Wednesday, May 27, 2009

enough excuses

so i just read over that blog i posted, to make sure i didn't make any huge mistakes...and felt entirely convicted. not about mistakes :), just about what i had written. although it's all true, and perhaps relevant to explain my busy life...it's not what's going on. it made me realize that perhaps i've been drowning myself in busyness as an excuse to avoid the things that are REALLY going on.
i want to write because it's always been a release for me. i mean, i think that's why i originally decided to write screenplays. most of what i would write in my stories were just that: my stories. writing them down seemed a bit of a way to get it all out. so why did i just give the world a play by play that is practically worthless of the time it took to type out? ugh. i had to explain to a friend recently why i don't cry in front of people. my reason is that it shows weakness, and i'm sick of appearing weak. to which she replied "that's right, you're a tough ol' bird." ;). yes she was mocking me. although you cannot see tears through a blog, here it comes...weakness city.
i'm devasted. my best friend is moving out of the country for two years and i dont know how to handle it. (dont worry, she knows that i'm struggling, this blog is not going to be news to her). she's been the constant good in my life for several years, and the thought of not having her scares me. at a friend's suggestion to really "mourn the loss" of her come feb 2010, i almost died. there have been too many people in my life that have hurt me and caused me pain - that i have cried over. she's been the joy, i never want to be hurt over her. unfortunately (and apparently) i already am.
i'm lost. there is no path i am following, no guided direction. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. that sounds very pessimistic and i apologize. but there it is. ashamedly i admit that this evening i watched (by myself)...high school musical 3: senior year. jest all you want, i love it. there's a musical number in which troy bolton (zac efron's character) is frustratingly singing about wanting his own dream. i can relate. sometimes i begin to wonder what MY dream in life actually is. i find myself clinging to this idea of wife/mom, but is that just something that i fell into because i'm female? at one point, leanna was going to travel the oceans and study marine life and behavior. years later, she was going to teach literature to high school or college students. and then came jesus and church, and their guidance to jump into jr high and camp ministry. but what about those years dreaming of writing/directing films? and now...i don't know. and every day that i wake up "not knowing" is seemingly a pure waste of a day.
i'm broken. amidst all that busy stuff i was doing, i forgot to mention the several trips to urgent care. my muscles are giving up on me...and physical weakness seems to be a daily occurrence. other stuff is going wrong, but nothing i publicly want to talk about. thank goodness i have health insurance now...but i feel like my body doesn't know it's only 28(this statement is stolen from a friend who is constantly asking me "you do know you're only 28 right?").
i'm lonely. what's new? i mean, if you know me, you know i'm a hopeless romantic. but on the serious side, i want to be sharing what little bit of life i have WITH someone. it's not like i go to sleep dreaming of being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor - i think i passed that phase of life several years ago when i realized, much to my dismay, that i do NOT live in medieval england :). but i do think about having companionship, intentional companionship. someone to experience life's little happenings with, joys and hardships, challenges and blessings. and i wont lie :), a kiss or cuddle or dance here and there wouldn't be too awful either.
okay i'm tired. perhaps i will do my best to make the next blog about the happy emotions i am feeling :). but for now, you get the weakness.

the happenings...


Oh dearest Blog, how sorry I am to have forgotten you for so long...but I have a valid reason...I've been BUSY. So for all 3 of my followers, I will give the condensed version of the last month (and I apologize to the 2 of you who have actually lived these things with me:)).
Let's see...the weekend of April 25-26th was a busy one! On saturday, I assisted in moving the Q's to their new place. We were successful in convincing PQ to get a uhaul, and the day went off without a hitch. Then on Sunday, I went to DISNEYLAND! My friend Dawn was getting ready to depart for Omaha for a few months, so her, my friend Ryan and myself decided to spend a day of fun at the happiest place on earth. What a fun day, filled with silly dares (never accomplished), amazing trivia, hillbillies ("jedi force push"), disney duets, giant turkey legs and more. And to top it all off, the FIREWORKS! Oh, just thinking about it makes me want to go back...
A few weeks later, I had the opportunity to attend a S.H.A.P.E. seminar at the church, which was just phenomenal. Talk about insight. This was the second time I've participated in such a thing, so was not THAT surprised at the things I learned about myself and my niche in the Kingdom. I have to say though, taking this with my best friend AQ put a lot into perspective. It's a whole different experience when someone else tells you what you should be doing with your life :) haha. The outcome? I'm thinking that God wants me to do camp FOR youth workers! Haha, so strange. But seriously, those silly and crazy youth workers are doing amazing things in the Kingdom, and they deserve a camp all their own. Now, how to go about doing that, I am uncertain. But it's not me. It's all Him. I will keep you posted. Later that night, I ventured out to Canes Bar and grill to witness a fantastic band called "Tainted Love". They are an 80's tribute band that has changed my world. Haha. So much fun with the Lanes and Nick, enjoying the tunes of my childhood! The next day was mother's day, and my brother and I took grama to the Zoo for lunch and some animal kingdom fun. Hands down, most amazing meal I've had in quite some time. You think I'm joking. For starters: Blue Cheese and Artichoke Bisque. Then spinach ravioli with amazing sun dried tomato cream sauce. Ok, I need to stop thinking about food.
Just a few short days later, I ventured to Hurkey Creek for a camping trip with a bunch of the GVC family. I'd love to tell you all about it, but I mentioned this was a condensed version of the last month. If you want to read more details, see Ryan's blog "life in this lane" (linked on my page). It was an incredible weekend of nature, family, relaxation, worship and fun. When sunday morning came, I did not want to leave the place, and was glad to know that I wasn't the only one feeling attachment to the weekend away. A great time with amazing friends, no doubt.
Three days later, I went and saw my favorite movie of the year so far. Star Trek. If you haven't seen it, you must. Because I am mentioning this small fraction of my month in my blog, you know it's worth it.
Two days after that, Ryan Lauren and myself ventured down to City Heights to have dinner with a few "cohorts" in this intentional living community business (see previous blog, and of course, more to come about that). It was a great evening meeting some great people and having good conversation over an entirely vegetarian and homegrown meal(yes i know, LEANNA ate a whole meal of vegetables...). Insight was gained, and I'm so glad for it. The next morning, AQ and I took off for Redlands to have a mini-reunion with a few "girls of the loft" (a.k.a. Creekside Summer Staff '06). The day was amazing! Talk about family. The minute we were in each other's presence it felt a little like home :). We just spent time together in downtown Redlands, having some Chai at Augie's Coffee, hitting up the used book sale in the park, venturing to Hobo's Vintage Wear for some great buys, wandering through the Redland's Galleria of antiques, fro yo at Ohana's, and then finally ending up at Gourmet Pizza for a fabulous dinner with 3/4 of the Rice family :). I miss the day already, and the people even more. It was the confirmation of family and community that I'm now striving for here in north county. That it does exist, and it's wonderful. Monday was memorial day, and I threw together an impromptu burger bbq for the home group friends. Such a fun and random time together. Another example of that community. Hmm...a theme in my life? I think so.
So there it is. I want to try to post a picture on here :) since discovering how to do it. Here they are, a few of the "girls of the loft", that I love ever so dearly.
OH. It posted to the top of the blog. Oh well, it's there, I think.