enough excuses

so i just read over that blog i posted, to make sure i didn't make any huge mistakes...and felt entirely convicted. not about mistakes :), just about what i had written. although it's all true, and perhaps relevant to explain my busy life...it's not what's going on. it made me realize that perhaps i've been drowning myself in busyness as an excuse to avoid the things that are REALLY going on.
i want to write because it's always been a release for me. i mean, i think that's why i originally decided to write screenplays. most of what i would write in my stories were just that: my stories. writing them down seemed a bit of a way to get it all out. so why did i just give the world a play by play that is practically worthless of the time it took to type out? ugh. i had to explain to a friend recently why i don't cry in front of people. my reason is that it shows weakness, and i'm sick of appearing weak. to which she replied "that's right, you're a tough ol' bird." ;). yes she was mocking me. although you cannot see tears through a blog, here it comes...weakness city.
i'm devasted. my best friend is moving out of the country for two years and i dont know how to handle it. (dont worry, she knows that i'm struggling, this blog is not going to be news to her). she's been the constant good in my life for several years, and the thought of not having her scares me. at a friend's suggestion to really "mourn the loss" of her come feb 2010, i almost died. there have been too many people in my life that have hurt me and caused me pain - that i have cried over. she's been the joy, i never want to be hurt over her. unfortunately (and apparently) i already am.
i'm lost. there is no path i am following, no guided direction. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. that sounds very pessimistic and i apologize. but there it is. ashamedly i admit that this evening i watched (by myself)...high school musical 3: senior year. jest all you want, i love it. there's a musical number in which troy bolton (zac efron's character) is frustratingly singing about wanting his own dream. i can relate. sometimes i begin to wonder what MY dream in life actually is. i find myself clinging to this idea of wife/mom, but is that just something that i fell into because i'm female? at one point, leanna was going to travel the oceans and study marine life and behavior. years later, she was going to teach literature to high school or college students. and then came jesus and church, and their guidance to jump into jr high and camp ministry. but what about those years dreaming of writing/directing films? and now...i don't know. and every day that i wake up "not knowing" is seemingly a pure waste of a day.
i'm broken. amidst all that busy stuff i was doing, i forgot to mention the several trips to urgent care. my muscles are giving up on me...and physical weakness seems to be a daily occurrence. other stuff is going wrong, but nothing i publicly want to talk about. thank goodness i have health insurance now...but i feel like my body doesn't know it's only 28(this statement is stolen from a friend who is constantly asking me "you do know you're only 28 right?").
i'm lonely. what's new? i mean, if you know me, you know i'm a hopeless romantic. but on the serious side, i want to be sharing what little bit of life i have WITH someone. it's not like i go to sleep dreaming of being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor - i think i passed that phase of life several years ago when i realized, much to my dismay, that i do NOT live in medieval england :). but i do think about having companionship, intentional companionship. someone to experience life's little happenings with, joys and hardships, challenges and blessings. and i wont lie :), a kiss or cuddle or dance here and there wouldn't be too awful either.
okay i'm tired. perhaps i will do my best to make the next blog about the happy emotions i am feeling :). but for now, you get the weakness.