Keep Holding On...

There's this song on the Glee Soundtrack, vol 1, that pretty much causes me to tear up every time I hear it! No joke, once, while driving through amazing scenery by Lake Crescent on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington, Brenna had it playing in the Corolla and tears began to stream down my face. I guess it's just been a reminder, amidst all of the garbage I've gone through this year...I'm still surrounded by amazing and loving people, urging me to keep holding on. :). For you I am thankful. B (per your request a while ago...I never write your full name!), you've been an unbelievable strength for me as we've both seen our lives hit the fan this year. Mags, always there to listen and give wisdom when I need it...or even a super silly distraction. Lys, you may be worlds away - but even the thought of you brings me to a happy place (and no, I don't mean Disneyland!)...and Aaron...oh Aaron. I can't imagine what these past few months would have been like without you. You've been my best friend, my joy, my love...for now, I'm holding on to you :), and am looking forward to what happens as this year finally comes to a close, and a new one begins.

The Boy

Little by little I will get this thing up to speed :). So here's a fun tidbit for you about the boy...friend...er...man...whatever...

His name is Aaron, and it's kind of a funny story. The first time we ever met was way back in elementary school! He's the same year as my younger brother, and was actually in the boy scout pack er whatever they call it with him and my dad was his cub master :) haha. We met up again years later (about 2000) through the college group at the church I was working at. Became friends, and that was about it...kept in touch throughout the years as we both went about our separate lives :). Well, I've been back in SoCal for over TWO years now, and I ashamedly admit that it took us that long to get together and hang out!!! One night I was at Taco Tuesday with some co-workers at a restaurant a few minutes away from his house, so I texted him to come meet me :). We sat there catching up for hours...then hung out again the next night, and then the next night...and you get the picture :)....

Some fun highlights so far:

*On the second night of hanging out, Aaron asked me if he could take me on a "real date" :) thought that was super cute...

*Two nights later he came over to watch a movie, but we ended up staying up ALL night talking...and watched the sunrise together on the golf course, cuddling in a blanket because skinny boy was shivering!

*That night, he told me it was up to me when we would change our facebook statuses! Ha...so sad that it comes to that!

*Aaron refers to my grama as "OMA", being as German as he can! And after the first time "OMA" met Aaron (which I should mention he was in his black leather motorcycle jacket), she referred to him as "that foxy dude" :)

*A couple weeks into our relationship, Aaron came with me to a friend's engagement party, where it was discovered that they had gone to elementary school together...small world!

You know there's more, but I had an 1 1/2 hour massage tonight and am out of it! We're nearing 6 weeks of being together as "boyfriend/girlfriend"...and it's been wonderful. Good times and some lower times...but all in all...this guy makes me so happy :).

it's been a long time...

Wow.

I can't believe I've neglected this thing as much as I have! It's horrible, because there's so much to update on now! However, I just popped a muscle relaxer which is going to knock me out here shortly so I'll give a condensed version of the updates and hopefully will return soon to write more...

1) MOM. I realize this was the last post, and a pretty intensely emotional one as well. So yes, a few more surgical procedures later, mom has been given a clean bill of health and doesn't have to return for her check up for 6 months. The family is split on if this is a good thing or a bad thing...so we'll just have to wait. But I thank you all so much for your love, thoughts, words and prayers...and hugs :) over this whole ordeal. Right now, the SACRED in my life is the people. You take precedence over all things and I value you beyond words.

2) THIRTY. Holy cow, can you believe it? Yep, LJ is thirty. Dang. The celebration was fantastic however :)...finally got a vacation...flew up to Washington to spend some time with Brenna and finally see the Pacific Northwest! Such an amazing time, and I promise...an entire blog complete with photos will be here shortly! And for the record, I must say it's inevitable that Lj will be moving up there in the near future :). As soon as I got there, I knew it was the place for me. The age thing has been an issue for the past year, but it's really no big deal :), who would've guessed?

3) BOY. Haha. A strange "title" for an update. I think it's cute...but I will be honest, he's a man :). Yes yes...Lj is dating someone! Didn't think that'd ever happen again - how awful is that? But it has, and it was completely unexpected...someone I've known for decades...and boom - one night about a month ago it just clicked. His name is Aaron, and he gives me this grin that I cannot wipe off of my face. More about him to come as well :).

4) WEDDINGS. This title is even more funny given the post before it! Don't even go there...I wouldn't jump into a marriage after only a month of dating :). No, instead, I've found this huge passion in my life and am going to pursue it...wedding/event planning. Most of you are probably not surprised given my love of hostessing and need to be in control of every detail...but anyhow :). I'm diving in...

Okay, I feel the drugs kicking in...but I do promise that there will be more posts to come regarding these topics and more...consider this the theatrical trailer for Lj's blog :).

Good Night dear readers...

Tears and Fears

Tears are not foreign to my mother. For as long as I can remember, she's been quite the emotional being. When I was younger, I will admit that her tearful outbursts definitely embarrassed me...causing me to just assume that she was crazy :), and perhaps had too much estrogen or something floating through her system. However, as I've grown older, I've seen myself start to exhibit the same emotional characteristics. Whether I caught a glimpse of a touching Hallmark commercial, braved a tear jerker of a chick flick, heard an inspiring toast at a wedding, suffered a young heart break or was just plain drunk...the tears flowed. I was so ashamed of this "thing", that for the past 10+ years, I would not let most people see me cry. The emotions and tears were fought back with so much resolve, that I swear the muscles in my chest and my face are now suffering because of it! Here we are in 2010, and I think I've cried more this year than the rest of my life put together. The few and far between posts in the past months give just an inkling of the roller coaster I find myself on. But this post isn't about me, and my tears - although they are ever present, even as I sit down to write this. It's about my emotional mama :).

It was a Saturday afternoon, just last month, when my cell phone rang and the caller ID indicated it was one of my parents. I had no doubt in my mind that it was my mother :), calling most likely to check in, see how the week was, etc. But no, the purpose of the call was to let me know that my dad had taken her down to the ER in Fresno late Thursday evening. She was having some chest pains...but after keeping an eye on her for several hours, and doing all sorts of test, they had no conclusions. She was scheduled for a little stress test to occur on that following Monday. Mom was convinced that's all it was, just stress. Life's been full of it lately. Monday rolls around, and I'm out of control busy at work, and to be honest completely forgot about her scheduled appointment. It wasn't until after I was off of work, and walking to my car that I retrieved the message on my voicemail from my dad. Mom had failed her stress test about a minute and a half into it, the doctor intervened, admitted her to the hospital and scheduled an angiogram for the next morning. I was beside myself - what on earth was going on? My mother has never had problems with her lungs, heart or whatever else was in that region. Now, my mama is no stranger to doctors and hospitals either :), having undergone several procedures and surgeries since even before I was born...it's old hat to her by now. But I was worried about her, having to stay overnight in yet another hospital...most likely overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what was happening to her. Horribly enough, the stress I felt had taken it's toll on me as well, and I found myself vomiting most of the night :/. The next day I stayed home from work, slept as much as I possibly could...keeping the phone nearby and waiting for a phone call from my dad on the outcome of the angiogram. Waited and waited...and waited. Around 5:30 on that Tuesday, my brother comes by the house. Him and my grandmother walk into my room (where I am still in bed), and he tells us that he just got off the phone with my dad. The doctors were unable to do the angiogram because of some complications, and were therefore going to be unable to insert any stents to help with the blockage they had discovered in the main artery that brings blood back into the heart. They immediately switched gears and prepped her for open heart surgery that was to begin about 6:00.

For a moment it felt as if my own heart had stopped beating. THIS could not be happening. Not to my mama. There was no forewarning. We had no clue to even expect something like THIS. And then it hit me. I might actually lose my mom. Of all of the health issues that she's had to go through in her life, and the things we've come to expect from her, leave it to her to find her way out on an unexpected operating table. I had no words to say. I don't even quite remember what I was thinking. And there were no tears. I felt a little guilty for not crying as I watched my grandmother hit hysteric levels I'd never seen her visit before...but I've never been too good with this stuff. For most of my life, I've had to be strong for so many other people, that perhaps I've forgotten what it's like to be vulnerable. It was obvious with my brother as well. The two of us sat silently at the kitchen table for what seemed a lifetime...just waiting. Until he did the usual and cracked a joke about how I should feel guilty now about not giving my mother any grandchildren yet :). The atmosphere was lightened, but I knew we were both on edge and neither one of us wanted to show it. I suggested we watch a movie while we wait...so we did :). Talk about your coping strategies. Turns out we didn't have to wait long. The procedure was supposed to last a little over two hours, but was over with in just about an hour. Dad called, told us that everything went better than expected and they had been able to just do a single bypass to help with the blood flow. My heart started beating again, and I was able to breathe.

Days passed and we got reports of my ever-strong mother doing fantastically with her healing and her spirit. She's a tough gal, my mama. Due to circumstances, dad was going to bring her down here to stay with grandma and I for a few weeks. I was so glad. Not only had she gone through it all with flying colors, I was going to be able to spend time with her again...only this time with a different attitude than ever before. She was here with us for nearly two weeks, and she improved daily. Visits from friends and family lifted her spirits, and mine. Then, on the Thursday night before her and my grandma were to leave to go back up north, I was wakened by grandma around 11:00. My mom was having severe chest pains, worse than before, so she was taking her to the hospital. I was in such a daze that I didn't fully realize what was happening until about a half an hour after they left. Then I started to panic. It was happening again. Again. Maybe I'm morbid, but immediately my thoughts went to "what if this is how I lose my mama?" She was yet again admitted to the hospital and watched overnight. The only conclusion the doctors came to was that there was some fluid buildup from the surgery, and perhaps a small blood clot. She came home late the next day, a little worn and tired, but still her normal self.

On Sunday, my parents and grandma hopped in the car to head back up to my folk's place so that my mom could start having follow up appointments with the doctor up there. I spoke with her a few times during the week, and yet again...she was doing well. A little exhausted as she tried to go back to work at her store :), so my mother! Not only is she emotional, but she's also a control freak and likes to just be IN everything. Friday she was to go in for an appointment with her new cardiologist. She had no worries (although, she hadn't had any for the prior appointments either, and we see how they turned out...I should have been more prepared). Got a voicemail after work that the doctor didn't like what he saw in the EKG, so she was checked into the hospital overnight again, and they were going to officially do the original angiogram on Saturday morning. During all of this, I just had to wait. I had to keep myself from going overboard with my worries and thoughts, which was quite difficult. After the angiogram on Saturday morning, I spoke with my dad, and yet again, I could hear the intensity in his voice...there was more blockage in the arteries. The bypass didn't seem to be making that much of a difference, and the chest pains she had had the week prior were actually minor heart attacks. He put her on the phone so that I could tell her I love her...and for the first time in this whole ordeal, I heard my mama crying on the other end of the line.

These tears were different than any I'd ever encountered from her before. They were intensely filled with fear. And it was then that I just let my fears (and tears) take over as well. Afraid again of appearing vulnerable, I quickly got off the phone. Hours later she was transported via ambulance to another hospital in San Francisco (a 3 1/2 hour drive!), where she now waits for her angioplasty procedure scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Perhaps I'm not too young to consider the fact that one day I will no longer have my parents. But I don't want to even think about it. I mean, they're my parents. My mama and my daddy. The ones who've been there for it all, who have loved me no matter what, supported me in times of need and times of plenty, who taught me a lot of what I know, attributed much of their characters into the molding of mine...what will my world be like without them? I can't even imagine. I'm capsized with so much fear, and I don't know what to do with it.

2010 has taken it's toll once again. It may not be the end of the world as we know it, but the world I've known is coming to it's end.

A Day with Natalie...

Had a fun time with this precious little girl yesterday, doing her "6 month" photos...I can't believe how big she's getting and the personality she's developing! So wonderful! Here's just a small sample of the wonderful shots I was able to snap! Enjoy!

Ah, the sticking out of the tongue...apparently her new favorite thing to do for Auntie Lj!
Pushing up all by herself!
Yep, we put her in a basket :)
Towards the end of the afternoon, kiddo was getting a little tired of all the modeling...
Tongue again...:)
One of the first shots in the basket...I don't think she was too sure about this one...
Such a happy girl! Especially when mommy is clapping and dancing behind me! Natalie, I think I'd laugh at your mommy too if I could see what she was doing!
Cute little feet!
Again, towards the end of the day, baby was getting sleepy...

Perspective

Man. Two posts in one day :). Let's just say I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, and just need to get it out! Haha.

This one comes from a slightly disturbing dream I had the other night. I've debated whether or not to go into full detail of the dream, as it might take some back stories to fully understand :) so I will do my best to describe it to you. After many years of my crazy detailed dreams, I've learned to try and deduce why I have certain dreams...perhaps it was due to a conversation I had before I fell asleep, or a picture I came across. So this one, I am going to attribute the bulk of it to the many episodes of Friday Night Lights I've been watching these past few weeks!

Here we go. It starts out that I'm walking through Disneyland, and I run into a person I haven't seen in years, a friend of my ex's in central california. We do the normal conversation, and then he tells me that Andrew, my ex, is there at Disneyland too, and he's going to meet him. He insists I come too. All of the sudden, I'm carrying an infant in my arms, only it's not my child...but Andrew and his wife's. The friend and I were trying to find them to bring the kid back to them. This baby was just heavenly :). So cute, and happy. Anyway, then the scene changes from Disneyland to a high school football game. I'm walking with the infant through the stands, and I meet up with Andrew's wife, like we've been friends for years. I sit down with her, and we turn to the field. There he is, down there on the field, coaching the football game. He smiles up to us, and we both wave to him. Oddly enough, there is a big screen at this football game, and apparently they are honoring Andrew for something, so it's like they play this movie of his life. It goes through some early on scenes when he was growing up, playing football (which is hilarious because in reality, he didn't AT ALL), then there's all these scenes from our relationship. Some good times, laughter, smiling, him asking me to marry him...then it turns sour...heartbreak, he leaves me because I couldn't have a child with him. Then, a scene much like the one I'm sitting in...me in the stands and him on the field...I'm crying and decide to leave the stands. He sees me leave and tries to run after me. At that point in the dream I look down to Andrew on the field, and he's crying now, looking at me - and I just can't handle it anymore...I get up and leave. This time he doesn't run after me, but his wife does. And when she catches me, I explain to her how I'd never looked at things from his perspective. Then the dream ends.

You have to know that when I woke up, an hour and a half before my alarm, I just lied there, staring into space completely dumbfounded by it all. What in the world, why on earth am I dreaming about my ex? Still don't really understand that, but oh well. It wasn't real, but it sure felt real. And at that point I understood that something within me was kicking me in the pants, reminding me that sometimes we must consider perspective in our relationships.

So often, our situations are exactly that, our situations. We simply see things from our perspective, our point of view, how things affect us. Very rarely do we take the chance to step away and consider what the other person (or people) might be thinking, what has spurred their actions or words. In the dream, that Leanna was simply heartbroken that he would leave her. She never saw things from his perspective. And she definitely didn't see or know that when it all came to an end, he ran after her.

I said it before, and I'll repeat it, none of this was real :), and I'm not secretly pining for my ex. But how many other situations have I been in lately where I've refused to see things from another's point of view? And how many times have I tried and not been allowed to know what goes on in someone else's thoughts to lead to their actions? In all honesty, it's quite frustrating. There's a couple of relationships in trouble right now in my life, some involving me, some not...but in all of them I desire perspective. And more than just being able to be a witness, but to also understand. I'm going to keep trying. Keep my eyes open in hopes that something is gained. Because, really, I have to wonder how perhaps outcomes would change if we all were to step outside of ourselves and take perspective...

The Call

I realize that I myself have not written much lately...I just keep posting song lyrics :). Unfortunately, most of the thoughts I've been having, and the situations that are happening, I don't feel like writing about. The other day, however, I heard a song on my trusty little iPod that gave me some inspiration. I came across it last year about this time, right about the same time that the Forest Home 2009 summer staff would have been starting their orientation. If you know me, there is no doubting how much I value my time spent on staff at Forest Home, they were my glory years :), and maybe I long for them a little too much sometimes. Anyhow, this song made me think of the power of being a part of something like the community of ministers I found at Forest Home, and how it will always be an experience that brings us pure joy, and provides for us an anchor in our ever changing lives.

The Call by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Until they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

Being a part of the staff at Forest Home was like gravity to me. Perhaps that is why it's practically impossible for me to let it go. In my time spent there, I knew who was. And in that, I was being used to my fullest capacity in the best way possible for that creation. As I stand here, a few years later, I'm completely lost. There is no gravity giving me roots, connecting me to much of anything anymore.

Like in this song (which, perhaps you've heard it before in The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian), serving in youth and camp ministry can be likened to a battle. We do what we can in a grander scheme of a fight for the souls, minds and hearts of teenagers and their mentors who come to visit us. We fight not with weapons, but with love...and understanding...and listening...and experiences. We have a battle cry for sure, the unending love and mercy of our Lord. As fellow warriors, we became friends, and then brothers and sisters...and ultimately soul mates. It's amazing the ties that I have to some of the people I went off to war with in those years at Creekside. No matter time or distance, the bond never weakens. And if you're a Creeker reading this...you'll fully agree with the line that says "you'll come back, when they call you...no need to say goodbye." :).

It's hard to be without that gravity, I wont lie. But as I've been considering this, and the reality that returning to Forest Home is not in my near future for many reasons, I've been brought to the realization that I have to find a new gravity. Something else to ignite such a passion as Forest Home did. In a new season of life, as I'm on the brink of turning 30 years old, I need to know who I am now. So I'm watching, and waiting...for that feeling, which that turns into a hope, then a quiet thought...and then a quiet word. I'm ready for the new me and the new gravity...

Had Enough

Okay friends, another Lifehouse song :). Seriously, these guys write lyrics and melodies straight to my heart.

After being on an emotional yo yo for months...I've hit a turning point. I've had enough. I know that I'm worth more than what I've been getting lately. I'm ready for something amazing.

"Had Enough" by Lifehouse

Loneliness pacing up and down these hallways
Second guessing every thought
Mystified, just spinning around in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

I believe that love should be a reason
To give and get back in return
(To give and get back in return)
I wanna breathe in a new beginning
With someone who will wrap her arms around what's left of me

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

I'm tired of barely holding on
To something that's already gone
I'm tired of being one who's in this all alone

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

Need You Now...

So I've heard this song in the background of life lately...but never have even paid much attention to it. This past week I've removed the iPod from my car so that I am forced to listen to my radio, taking in some new music...and today for the first time experienced this song and it's so true lyrics...

Need You Now
by Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.


I'm so pathetic I can't even wait until a quarter after one...I want to call you now...but I'm pretty sure that I don't ever cross your mind...

Halfway Gone...

So here we are, June of 2010. Hard to believe isn't it? I remember when I was a kid and the school year just never went fast enough to bring us to summer, but then summer flew by in a flash. The adults in my life would always say things like "Time is flying by so fast" and in the midst of a dragging year I had no idea what they meant! Well, here I am...an adult myself and I can fully see their perspective! It's almost like how our summers used to be - only instead of the days being filled with outside play, vacations and sleepovers...we're consumed with our 9-5's, responsibilities, and just sleeping!!

I'm at a loss of words when I realize that 2010 is nearly halfway gone. I can remember back to this past New Year's Eve, celebrating with some friends up at my folk's place near Yosemite...my friend B and I declared that 2010 was going to be a much better year, because, let's be honest...2009 dealt us some hard blows. We had so much hope in this year, and here I stand, completely devastated by 2010 - and it's only halfway done.

In early March, B and I would say to each other in our hopeful tones "Things have to get better, because they can't get any worse!" And then we'd be blindsided by something worse. This repetition of hoping for the best and getting knocked down yet again has continued on...to a point where now, in June, we've decided we must stop tempting the Universe by saying things can't get any worse - because then of course they will!

I'm writing this blog, not just for me, but for B as well. Each day, we try to turn things around. We cry out to God seeking His peace and redemption...and to be perfectly honest - there has been a few days in which Joy comes. However, they are far outweighed by the days in which the worst consumes.

I'm scared to even hope, let alone ask, for the second half of 2010 to be turned around...but we need it.

Photo Booth Fun!

Here's some fun photos from the booth at Melani and Steve's wedding! So much fun! Do you think one of the family ones is usable for a 2010 Christmas Card? ;).

Taking it back...

Wow, I have really failed in keeping up on this thing. Honestly, I've wanted to write SOMETHING, but perhaps was afraid of just letting everything go. My world is spinning out of control, and I'm getting sick. It's in times like these that I must remember the lyrics of that Lifehouse song that inspired this blog so long ago...

We break, and we bend...

And we turn it inside out

To take it back, to the start

And through the rise and falling apart,

We discover who we are.

Today, I'm trying to focus mostly on "turning it inside out". Years ago, when I was working at a local church on the High School youth staff, our pastor changed our entire philosophy and vision for the ministry. The group was re-named "Inverted", and we began a journey learning and living about the inverted and backwards lifestyle that Jesus endorsed. As leaders and students, we took the messages of our world, and turned them inside out - discovering more of the abundant life that Christ had in mind all along. With that it mind, and also knowing the promise found in Romans 8:28, that He works all things together for the good of those who are found in Him...I'm taking it back. I'm claiming the current disasters and disappointments, turning them inside out, to allow them to be used by the Lord for His good.

On a small scale, my health is failing - again. This past week I found myself sick - again. This bout was far worse than any so far this year. Went to the doctor twice, and so far no firm answers. Apparently my lungs are constricted, and I'm only breathing in and out at 50% capacity for a person my age. Don't yet know the reason for this, but inhalers are now my constant companions. I'm patiently awaiting the results on several blood tests (I swear they took much more blood than was needed!), determining if there are undermining causes to my constant illnesses (i.e. Mono or Epstein Barr Virus, Thyroid failure, and others...). I don't know how to turn this one inside out quite yet, but have hope that something will come to me. Perhaps this is my pivotal point in life, where I change unhealthy habits or something...

A little more important, is the destruction of relationships. Through some tough moments and decisions, I've had to let go of some of the friendships in my life. There comes a time when one has to consider what is actually good and healthy for them. The letting go and cutting off has actually been agonizing, but I'm already seeing the inside out of my choices. I had let myself become so wrapped up with some people, that I had forgotten about some other important friends in my life. Now that I can see my mistakes, I can correct them. The Lord has blessed me throughout life with amazing companions for my journey, and I intend to try and return the blessing to them.

No more direction. How else can I put it? My life no longer has direction. I went back to school this semester with the intention of pursuing a BS in Communications, but hardly feel that pull any more. I used to be on a path of youth ministry, camp ministry...but that's been gone for a few years. I want to be a wife and a mom - but obviously, that's not where the Lord is taking me. I'm going to be 30 years old in a few months, and have no idea what to do with my life :). Honestly, this has been bringing me down for months now - perhaps years even. But with a recent turn of events, and the faith that one person has in my calling and passion for shepherding...I'm okay not having a single direction. I'm open, to do anything. And for the first time, I love that. For now, it could be ministering to college students, and maybe next year will find me moving to another state to accomplish some other thing. The good thing here...I'm not tied down anywhere, so am available for close to anything.

And, perhaps the largest disaster...the rape and murder of my friend's daughter, Chelsea. The entire ordeal has knocked over not only the King family, but myself, our co-workers, the community, and the nation. I still can't bring myself to put into words all that happened, the emotional and spiritual turmoil that this horror thrust me into. It's almost as if there is fear in putting words to it, because those words, no matter how thought out, could never fully describe what happened. There is still much healing to take place...but already, we are finding in Chelsea's death, a hope for a better future. A couple of weeks ago, in a tearful embrace with my zany boss, I shared with her a line from a loved Switchfoot song...that "The shadow proves the sunshine." We have dwelled in this shadow, and might remain there for a little while longer. But sunshine beckons. It calls to us from Chelsea's smile, and the millions of sunflowers we see posted in newspapers, on facebook, in gardens and throughout the community. Sunshine flows from Kelly and Brent, every time they consider how their beloved daughter is a change-maker, and her spirit is spreading across the nation. I wont lie, I loathe the shadow right now. But, I have to remember, that sometimes it does take a shadow to prove the sunshine...to remind us of it's existence...to fully appreciate and embrace its warmth.

So there it is. See I was afraid of this :). Maybe I need to get back to writing more often so that I don't have a ton of words in one sitting like this :).

The Day that True Love Died

Just a reminder this weekend...

Phil Wickham - "True Love"

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
Tears were filling heavens eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Search your hearts you know you can't deny it
Lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

Jesus is alive
He rose again

WORDLE

So I "wordled" my blog...

this cannot be happening...

My whole world has been turned upside down this past week. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to write about all that has happened. It would be no surprise to me that you all are aware already. On Thursday night I received a call from a friend, telling me that our friend and co-workers teenage daughter was missing. She had gone out for a run after school, and hadn't returned. Search and Rescue teams began late that night, scouring the park that she had been running in. For the next five days, a massive community effort - and stretching throughout the country - to find Chelsea King took place. And despite our efforts, our prayers and our pleas, her body was found buried just yesterday afternoon - in a shallow grave 100 yards off of the running trail. A man has been arrested and is being charged with rape and murder. But it still doesn't bring this amazing daughter back to her parents, and a loving sister into the arms of a little brother. Perhaps in a few weeks I will be able to write more about it. In all my life, I've never faced anything so difficult as the situations I found myself in these past few days. Everyone depends on me to be strong, to know what to do, to have wisdom and answers. But all I've needed is to have someone wrap their arms around me, to let me just cry and mourn, and maybe to lie to me - calming me with words that it will be alright. Instead, it's been necessary to remain strong, to do what needs to be done, and to put off emotions for a later time.

I'm adding an iTunes song in here tonight, that I've often connected with...and even more so tonight. Even with the shock of the unbelievable, and the constant immersion in this situation...it still doesn't feel real. This cannot be happening...

Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

i can't be losing sleep over this

no, i can't

and i cannot stop pacing

give me a few hours

and i'll have this all sorted out

if my mind would just stop racing

'cause i cannot stand still

i can't be this unsturdy

this cannot be happening

this is over my head

but underneath my feet

cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat

and everything will be back to the way that it was

i wish that it was just that easy

'cause i'm waiting for tonight

then waiting for tomorrow

and i'm sowehere in between

what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall

out of what i fell in

don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again

i don't want to run away from this

i know that i just don't need this

'cause i cannot stand still

i can't be this unsturdy

this cannot be happening

'cause i'm waiting for tonight

then waiting for tomorrow

and i'm somewhere in between

what is real and just a dream

iTunes Shuffle-Sleeping to Dream

Well, it's been a little bit since I've entertained you with some iPod music :). Today's song is special...and here's why...

Years ago, a friend of mine left for a year to live in Seattle while doing an internship and discipleship program. It wasn't until he was gone that he decided to tell me that he had feelings for me. HA. He is a wonderful person, and we were able to keep up some sort of long distance relationship...but as you can tell, things didn't work out. Anyway, one night while we were talking on the phone, he told me to download a Jason Mraz album from the iTunes store...because whenever he listened to some of the songs on there, they reminded him of me and he wanted me to know more of his feelings towards me. So I did. And was floored :). Today I share the most important song to me from that album...it's just nice to remember a time when I was loved and adored by someone...

Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz

And I
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And as I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What, what a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere
I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

Behind the Scenes

I thought I'd give you all a random behind the scenes look into the life of Lj :).

Sometimes, I think I'm pretty hilarious. Perhaps this is why I spent so many years working with 5 year olds and junior highers - because they confirmed my hilarity and boosted my esteem :). With that said, I forewarn you that you might not find the following story to be as comical as I did, but what the heck...I will go for it anyway.

So tonight, I'm doing laundry. Oh joy of my life. I currently do not own a laundry "basket", so when the dryer buzzes I gather the load in my arms and hurry to my bedroom as to not drop any of it's contents on the ground, and plop it all on my bed. From there, I separate the clothes out, fold what needs to be folded, put them in their appropriate piles for storing in the dresser, and those items that need to be hung up, they get laid in a nice pile, awaiting their beloved hangers. Of course, with the addition of SCRUBS to my wardrobe, there is now three piles of clothes to be hung: SCRUBS, tops, bottoms. Tonight's load was darks - which meant mostly SCRUBS. There wasn't enough room on the bed for all three piles of hang up clothes - so the tops, they were placed gently on the back of my computer chair. Upon adding the fourth item to the "tops" pile, I took inventory of what lay before me and said out loud:

"Hi my name is Leanna, and I like striped sweaters."

And of course, I let out a roar of laughter. :). Before me were FOUR striped sweaters...are we serious Leanna? Perhaps the stripes are attempting to take over the love of hoodies in my collection. Oh Lord I hope not. I love my hoodies...striped sweaters, beware of a fight. (For those of you unknowing souls...at last count, I own over 40 hooded sweatshirts).

That's my behind the scenes - exciting life I lead, isn't it?

Perfectly Explained

I used to pride myself on my writing :). But I just recently found this letter posted on my cousin's facebook page that humbled me. It describes perfectly what I've been feeling this past year (or more), while dealing with Fibromyalgia. I couldn't have said it better...So please read on, as this letter is also intended to you from me...

A Letter to my Friends & Family...
Re: life with NEID’s (Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders) - FM and CFS (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

I am going to start off with an apology to you – I am sorry. I realize it may be hard for you to understand why things are so different for me now. I know I look the same, and talk the same, but these days I am waging an internal battle that affects all areas of my life ... physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

You cannot see it - you just see me and on the outside I don’t appear to have changed. At first I tried my best to hide it from you. It is the reason I cancel lunches at the last minute or cannot attend functions I promised to go to, or why I leave events early. It is the reason I do not talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, as much as I used to. Don’t take it personally – it’s not you, it’s not anything you have done, please don’t be offended.

There are many things I no longer do, people I do not see, and places I no longer visit. You see - these days I struggle just doing everyday things like cleaning, cooking, reading, working, driving, shopping and all the little things in between ... all those day to day things we all take for granted.

Some days this illness takes all that I have and then it decides to take more. I can be fine one day ... and the next it hits me from nowhere. If you see me out and about and I look well - then that’s wonderful and a great day for me! Celebrate with me, but believe me when I say I’m not faking it when the following day I am too ill to get out of bed.

Every day it takes my all just to get up and out of bed, and some days I am not even able to achieve that. The pain, the stiffness, the fatigue - is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like this for a day, sometimes two, sometimes weeks on end. I am always tired and in pain, both of these are now my constant companions - it’s just the severity and intensity that changes.

I may be tired but I cannot sleep. If and when I do sleep it’s either not for long or it’s all I can do - until I wake myself up crying out in pain. The only place I hurry to these days is the bathroom as often “need” comes on both urgently and unexpectedly. I always have a headache; my stomach always hurts; my bones always ache and my joints are always on fire. My muscles burn, tingle, cramp and twitch. I am tender and sore all over. I’m sorry but sometimes a well meaning hug will actually hurt not help.

Both my body and my brain have shut down. My internal thermostat is broken - I experience chilling shakes and soaking sweats. I have unrelenting brain fog – it’s called “Fibro Fog”. My short term memory is shot ... I am both forgetful and clumsy these days. I don’t move very fast these days. If you get stuck walking behind me – please be patient. I’m extremely sensitive to all sorts of things (MCS) – bright lights, loud noises, chemicals, smells, foods … the list goes on (and can change daily). I am depressed, anxious and I no longer cope with stress – in fact it can leave me incapacitated and is a major “Fibro-Flare” trigger.

To confirm what I have my doctors run every test imaginable to ensure they are all “clear” in order to make a positive diagnosis of FM/CFS … So this, I wonder, is how it feels not to have anything wrong with me? Amazing! As yet there is no clear diagnostic tool for this; and no cure – no-one really has much idea about it at all. To date, all that is known is that it may be caused by a retrovirus (XMRV) which alters our DNA and plays havoc with our immune systems, and there is no cure.

So this is my life with FM/CFS. I cannot change it, ignore it or wish it away. I have no choice – I’m just learning how to live with it, understand it and accept it. I am not asking for your pity, I don’t want you to feel “sorry for me” – I just wanted to help you understand this illness a bit better. Thanks for reading.

Now I am hoping you may be able to help me by raising awareness and educating others about these invisible illnesses. To assist you following are some details and helpful links that you might like to view.

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are part of a group of illnesses called “Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders” (NEID’s) including: chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), fibromyalgia (FM), Gulf War syndrome/illness (GWS/GWI), multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), environmental illness (EI), chronic Lyme disease, Alzheimer's, and autism.

CFS/ME and FMS are invisible diseases, largely unseen and unrecognised, despite the fact that they are far more prevalent than multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy combined. With those that suffer severely these illnesses are more debilitating than congestive heart failure or the late stages of AIDS. I cannot begin to describe the pain I experience. Child birth, gallstones or kidney stones are “walks in the park” in comparison.

It is estimated that as many as 10% of the population may suffer to some degree with CFS and/or FM but due to difficulty in effective diagnosis this cannot be confirmed. At least 5% is confirmed – that is 1 in 20 people so chances are you know some-one, other than me, with this/these illnesses!

While not “fatal” or “physically deforming”, it is estimated that our lifespan may be shortened by up to 25 years, due to either related or linked illnesses, complications, or suicide. Many sufferers are completely bedridden. For the moment, I struggle to maintain working and have had to cut back to part time work.

There are numerous websites and other online communities relating to these illnesses, without which, due to the isolation and lack of awareness, research and knowledge of our illness, many of us could not survive. Some particularly useful links include:

P.A.N.D.O.R.A. Inc - http://www.pandoranet.info/
CFIDS Assoc.of America - http://www.cfids.org/
Fibroduck – http://www.fibroduck.com
CFIDS and Fibromyaglia Self Help Site - http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/

Again, thank you for your time, thank you for reading and thank you for helping me to raise Awareness.
Feel free to copy cut and paste as best suits your own needs.

iTunes Shuffle - Simply Amazed

Today's shuffle song pick is one I hold dear. Written and performed by one of the most incredible followers of Christ I've ever met...a true brother :), Jordan Frye. Here's a guy who's got talent, passion and humility like you've never seen. It's been a joy and privilege to watch him grow, and his musical ambitions flourish. I hope you enjoy the love he shares, and if you love him as much as I do, let me know - he performs in the San Diego area quite often. Also, his band "Urban Rescue" can usually be found leading worship at various Youth Camps(usually at Forest Home!) and Church services around the SoCal area...

Simply Amazed - Jordan Frye/Urban Rescue

All I see before me are broken pieces

But in my dream I caught a glimpse of you

Awakened by the sound I'm captivated

Falling more each day in love with You

Even Now

I'm looking up to heaven

Even Now

You're singing over me

So I come amazed by you

Amazed by you

Simply Amazed

To look into the eyes of tender mercy

As they pressed the thorns upon your brow

How can it be that you were thinking of me?

I never knew such love until now

Even Now

I'm looking up to heaven

Even Now

You're singing over me

So I come amazed by you

Amazed by you

Simply amazed

And I'm singing like its the first time...

With all my love

I've come undone

Simply Amazed

With all my love

For all You've done

Simply Amazed

*I couldn't get an embed, so visit the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJqH1e9mZGg

Fibro Update

Well, I realized that it's been a while since I've updated the internet about my life with fibromyalgia. The main reason being that since I started on my medication regime, and twice a month massages :), things haven't been so bad. Unfortunately, in the past few weeks, the pain days have returned...along with some new developments. Who knows if it's even related, but I've discovered my digestive system isn't what it used to be. It's as if each day I discover something else that doesn't agree with me. Namely - my dairy tolerance has about had it. Since most of you know me pretty well, you'll realize how much this bums me out. Hands down, my favorite food is cheese. Any and all kinds...I LOVE CHEESE. But as it turns out, maybe cheese doesn't love me back :(.

So today I escaped off to Panera to do some studying while eating the most delicious Chicken Cobb Salad, and sipping on a nice cup of tea...YUM! However, studying was hard to concentrate on because my knees and hips have been killing me lately...and even more, my shoulders seem to have it in for me. I gave up on the homework for a time, and instead did a little self research into the world of food. Haha. I read some articles pertaining to foods to eat more of, and those to avoid, if you suffer from symptom of fibromyalgia and fatigue. Boy was I surprised. Let's just look at my Cobb salad...

Lettuce - recommended against. Raw foods are apparently to be avoided. Guess that means Sushi too :(

Bacon - BAD. While protein is to be praised by people in my condition, pig products are horrible...mostly because of their salt content

Bleu Cheese - NOPE. Avoid dairy products. Bacteria, yeast...something like that.

Egg - One of the only good things in my salad. Healthy proteins.

Chicken - again, YAY! But only if it's not overly processed. Need to have organic and hand fed chicken/meats...preservatives do nasty things to your body...

And then, my tea... :(, apparently ANYTHING with caffeine is a big NO NO. How sad am I? The stimulants found in tea/coffee/sugar/sodas trigger pain receptors. And for some reason, most people find the "down" afterwards to be even worse than if they didn't consume the caffeine. This finding explained a lot. Around christmas time I resumed my daily 2 cups of coffee each morning. I guess that needs to change.

I found it ironic, sitting there, eating what I thought to be a healthy lunch for me...and realizing that it was all bad for my body in it's condition.

However, I did discover some crazy "yes's" that make me laugh :). Unfortunately, they'll probably cause me to put on some weight at the same time...

*Beans. Found several bloggers suggesting to eat just plain refried beans, or black beans...fiber, protein, and FAT that our bodies need. You better believe I can handle eating refried beans a couple nights a week :). Only, I want to have CHEESE on them!

*Potato Chips. While they suggest you find the chips with lower salt content...the fatty acids found in most potato chips and hydrogenated oils are apparently helpful :). WooHoo! Grama and her chip addiction have saved me!

*Soup. Low MSG soups and broths, of course.

Anyway, just a fun part of my day. So I picked up and left Panera, went to Albertsons and bought some new food items to get me through the week :). According to a couple of Dr.'s on WebMD, it really is a trial and error process for the individual. So I have decided to try out a few changes, to see if it helps. It is my goal to not be on medication for much longer :/, but with the way things are going, I'm not sure if that'll be an option...

iTunes Shuffle - Gunning Down Romance

Uh-oh, better get ready for this one. Lj's feeling a tad angry and bitter these past few days. So when this song came up, it fit the mood perfectly...

Gunning Down Romance by Savage Garden

Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true
I really do

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

Love don't leave me

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away

iTunes Shuffle - I Grieve

Oh you lucky person! Tonight you get to experience not one...but TWO wonderful songs from Lj's iPod :).

I heard the first song during my lunch today. It's been a favorite for years, for so many reasons. But as I listened to the lyrics...at that moment in my life, it brought on a whole new meaning for me. See, the thing is, on Friday my best friend is leaving to join the Peace Corp, traveling to South America for the next few years. I'm excited for the adventure and opportunities that await her and her husband, but am also fully aware of the fact that I do not handle loss in a healthy manner. When I was 14, and my grandmother had recently passed away, during her funeral and "after party" I locked myself in my parents bedroom, watching "My Father the Hero" fourteen times in a row...just kept rewinding that VHS :). Completely ridiculous. Although my friend is no where near death, it's still a huge loss in my life. I've never been in love, but I'd consider my relationship with her to be the closest thing to the experience. She's my deepest connection here on earth, and to be without her, I know it's going to take it's toll on me. Before I start crying...on to the first song. I dedicate it to her...:).

"When you come back down" by Nickel Creek

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Bridge:
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down

**PS, have fun with this video...you might just liken our relationship to that of Frodo and Sam :)**

Haha, I hope you enjoyed that cheese. And that you actually listened to the beauty that is that song :)

Now for the next song on the shuffle, I do give a disclaimer...it's a bit sad. I heard it this evening

on my way home and definitely started some waterworks. I can discern that the song was written

in the context of death, but grieving in itself can take so many forms. I don't think I've allowed

myself to be fully affected yet by the thought that she will be gone for two years. So I imagine that

this song will be one that I can relate to perhaps on Saturday :).

"I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

I know that life will carry on...I'm counting on it. But right now, I'm grieving the loss of a most

treasured friend from my daily existence...

iTunes Shuffle - Haven't Met You Yet

Alrighty, so recently I've loved putting my iPod on shuffle and just seeing what pops up next on the playlist. When you have thousands of songs for Mr. iPod to choose from, sometimes it can be very interesting :). I decided that perhaps I would start sharing with you, my friendly readers, some of these great songs that I am hearing on a daily basis. Wonderful lyrics and great tunes are impacting me each day...and here I will share with you my insight :). I hope you enjoy.

I'm starting off, not with a random shuffle song, but one that I've adapted as my theme song for this year. You'll see why in a moment (or perhaps you figured it out from the blog post title!). Here it is, "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble.

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out...
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.