what on earth...exactly.

i apologize in advance, but i haven't gotten around to those "happy emotions" i intended for this next blog. instead, stuff just keeps happening. i heard this song on my drive home today and it describes what i'm feeling/thinking almost exactly.

David Gray
My oh My...

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

i havent slept in days. my stomach is in constant turmoil. and i sigh nearly every two minutes or so - perhaps a reminder to breathe. i am ANXIOUSLY awaiting blood test results. i feel like the remainder of my life is hanging on a thread. not a serious one, but what comes from these results will affect me. now if the doctors would only call...
i've decided that it is foolish to have notions about people. these past few days have shown me that even that person you thought was the kindest soul can prove himself to be malicious. and the cynic is merely hinding a gentle spirit. and for me, i am the biggest fool out there. such a wonderful self realization to reach.
last night, while i was NOT sleeping, i came to the conclusion that i HATE this time of year. may 21-june 7(give or take a day or two). these few weeks have held nothing but heartbreaking times for me for the past 3 years. what on earth is going on...?