iTunes Shuffle - I Grieve

Oh you lucky person! Tonight you get to experience not one...but TWO wonderful songs from Lj's iPod :).

I heard the first song during my lunch today. It's been a favorite for years, for so many reasons. But as I listened to the lyrics...at that moment in my life, it brought on a whole new meaning for me. See, the thing is, on Friday my best friend is leaving to join the Peace Corp, traveling to South America for the next few years. I'm excited for the adventure and opportunities that await her and her husband, but am also fully aware of the fact that I do not handle loss in a healthy manner. When I was 14, and my grandmother had recently passed away, during her funeral and "after party" I locked myself in my parents bedroom, watching "My Father the Hero" fourteen times in a row...just kept rewinding that VHS :). Completely ridiculous. Although my friend is no where near death, it's still a huge loss in my life. I've never been in love, but I'd consider my relationship with her to be the closest thing to the experience. She's my deepest connection here on earth, and to be without her, I know it's going to take it's toll on me. Before I start crying...on to the first song. I dedicate it to her...:).

"When you come back down" by Nickel Creek

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Bridge:
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down

**PS, have fun with this video...you might just liken our relationship to that of Frodo and Sam :)**

Haha, I hope you enjoyed that cheese. And that you actually listened to the beauty that is that song :)

Now for the next song on the shuffle, I do give a disclaimer...it's a bit sad. I heard it this evening

on my way home and definitely started some waterworks. I can discern that the song was written

in the context of death, but grieving in itself can take so many forms. I don't think I've allowed

myself to be fully affected yet by the thought that she will be gone for two years. So I imagine that

this song will be one that I can relate to perhaps on Saturday :).

"I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

I know that life will carry on...I'm counting on it. But right now, I'm grieving the loss of a most

treasured friend from my daily existence...

Oh Baby, Baby...

Here she is, precious little Natalie Louise Bell...how could you not love this little red headed beauty?

These are a few of my favorite things...

In the midst of this holiday season, I have been reminded over and over again just how much I love the people in my life. I consider myself overly blessed by the random assortment of friends and family that have been added to my life over the years, and continue to be involved. My favorite part is that, even if we haven't seen each other in a long while, upon getting together once again...it is as if no time as passed. Seriously, if I had not love in my life, I would be nothing...

the happenings...

Oh dearest Blog, how sorry I am to have forgotten you for so long...but I have a valid reason...I've been BUSY. So for all 3 of my followers, I will give the condensed version of the last month (and I apologize to the 2 of you who have actually lived these things with me:)).
Let's see...the weekend of April 25-26th was a busy one! On saturday, I assisted in moving the Q's to their new place. We were successful in convincing PQ to get a uhaul, and the day went off without a hitch. Then on Sunday, I went to DISNEYLAND! My friend Dawn was getting ready to depart for Omaha for a few months, so her, my friend Ryan and myself decided to spend a day of fun at the happiest place on earth. What a fun day, filled with silly dares (never accomplished), amazing trivia, hillbillies ("jedi force push"), disney duets, giant turkey legs and more. And to top it all off, the FIREWORKS! Oh, just thinking about it makes me want to go back...
A few weeks later, I had the opportunity to attend a S.H.A.P.E. seminar at the church, which was just phenomenal. Talk about insight. This was the second time I've participated in such a thing, so was not THAT surprised at the things I learned about myself and my niche in the Kingdom. I have to say though, taking this with my best friend AQ put a lot into perspective. It's a whole different experience when someone else tells you what you should be doing with your life :) haha. The outcome? I'm thinking that God wants me to do camp FOR youth workers! Haha, so strange. But seriously, those silly and crazy youth workers are doing amazing things in the Kingdom, and they deserve a camp all their own. Now, how to go about doing that, I am uncertain. But it's not me. It's all Him. I will keep you posted. Later that night, I ventured out to Canes Bar and grill to witness a fantastic band called "Tainted Love". They are an 80's tribute band that has changed my world. Haha. So much fun with the Lanes and Nick, enjoying the tunes of my childhood! The next day was mother's day, and my brother and I took grama to the Zoo for lunch and some animal kingdom fun. Hands down, most amazing meal I've had in quite some time. You think I'm joking. For starters: Blue Cheese and Artichoke Bisque. Then spinach ravioli with amazing sun dried tomato cream sauce. Ok, I need to stop thinking about food.
Just a few short days later, I ventured to Hurkey Creek for a camping trip with a bunch of the GVC family. I'd love to tell you all about it, but I mentioned this was a condensed version of the last month. If you want to read more details, see Ryan's blog "life in this lane" (linked on my page). It was an incredible weekend of nature, family, relaxation, worship and fun. When sunday morning came, I did not want to leave the place, and was glad to know that I wasn't the only one feeling attachment to the weekend away. A great time with amazing friends, no doubt.
Three days later, I went and saw my favorite movie of the year so far. Star Trek. If you haven't seen it, you must. Because I am mentioning this small fraction of my month in my blog, you know it's worth it.
Two days after that, Ryan Lauren and myself ventured down to City Heights to have dinner with a few "cohorts" in this intentional living community business (see previous blog, and of course, more to come about that). It was a great evening meeting some great people and having good conversation over an entirely vegetarian and homegrown meal(yes i know, LEANNA ate a whole meal of vegetables...). Insight was gained, and I'm so glad for it. The next morning, AQ and I took off for Redlands to have a mini-reunion with a few "girls of the loft" (a.k.a. Creekside Summer Staff '06). The day was amazing! Talk about family. The minute we were in each other's presence it felt a little like home :). We just spent time together in downtown Redlands, having some Chai at Augie's Coffee, hitting up the used book sale in the park, venturing to Hobo's Vintage Wear for some great buys, wandering through the Redland's Galleria of antiques, fro yo at Ohana's, and then finally ending up at Gourmet Pizza for a fabulous dinner with 3/4 of the Rice family :). I miss the day already, and the people even more. It was the confirmation of family and community that I'm now striving for here in north county. That it does exist, and it's wonderful. Monday was memorial day, and I threw together an impromptu burger bbq for the home group friends. Such a fun and random time together. Another example of that community. Hmm...a theme in my life? I think so.
So there it is. I want to try to post a picture on here :) since discovering how to do it. Here they are, a few of the "girls of the loft", that I love ever so dearly.
OH. It posted to the top of the blog. Oh well, it's there, I think.

and i'm feeling...goooodddd...

"Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good..."

it's true. i'm doing alright. for the first time in a long time, circumstances in my life are okay. struggles haven't completely left, but i feel a sense of fresh air. in many areas. financially, emotionally, mentally, socially...

unfortunately, this is coming at a time when others are not so okay. i was talking to my dad on the phone last night and mentioned that i felt bad about my good fortune. for example: i had my review at work, and it went very well, got a raise. called my parents to tell them the good news, and after i was done, my mom revealed that my dad had lost his job and their store that they run was not doing so well. i felt awful. but my dad told me to not diminish my joy in this season. he knows a bit of what i've been through the past years, and said i needed a break in the storm to allow some sunshine :). okay, so he didn't say those words...i just made him a little more poetic in his meaning :)! i think what he said was more along the lines of "dont feel bad. we're old, we've had our good days. and now we're just getting ready to die."

HAHA. i know that sounds awful. but in the context of his 52nd birthday being that day...it was hilarious :).

but i just wanted to say this. to all of the people in my life facing trials of many kinds, you have a friend. i apologize in advance if i present a perma-grin to you...but know that yours is coming in due time. i've been through a refining fire in any way imaginable, and always have ears open to listen - as many of yours have been there for me in the past.

so keep on keepin' on my loves.

how far i've come

so the other night, i took some time and read over some previously posted blogs from my myspace. i have to admit, most of them brought me to tears. these past few years have definitely been somewhat of a refining fire for me, and it was a blessing to be able to look back, to remember where i was, and be grateful for how far i've come. i thought it might be fun to recount my journey...here on the NEW blog...

*May of 2006, where FEAR NOT began...
may 06

*August of 2006, one of many "muscle spasm" stories...
august 06

*October of 2006, the detour that taught me about life...
october 06

*November of 2006, my first blog from central CA and dealing with the emptiness of change...
november 06

*April of 2007, finding a bit of lost Lj...
april 07

*June of 2007, Lj left forest home...
june 07

*July of 2007, my venting about sleezy guys! freaking awesome...
july 07

*August of 2007, Lj caught the changING fever...
august 07

*September of 2007, when i discovered that weak is the new strong...
september 07

*December of 2007, my screenplay develops a little twist :)
december 07

Wow, all that to say this...

i'm blessed to be where i am today. i've been through a lot of crap, seasons of pure joy, and stuff you wouldn't even imagine. but it's truly shaped me. not only have i changed, but i recognize change in those around me. and i embrace it. goodness, its amazing.