iTunes Shuffle-Sleeping to Dream

Well, it's been a little bit since I've entertained you with some iPod music :). Today's song is special...and here's why...

Years ago, a friend of mine left for a year to live in Seattle while doing an internship and discipleship program. It wasn't until he was gone that he decided to tell me that he had feelings for me. HA. He is a wonderful person, and we were able to keep up some sort of long distance relationship...but as you can tell, things didn't work out. Anyway, one night while we were talking on the phone, he told me to download a Jason Mraz album from the iTunes store...because whenever he listened to some of the songs on there, they reminded him of me and he wanted me to know more of his feelings towards me. So I did. And was floored :). Today I share the most important song to me from that album...it's just nice to remember a time when I was loved and adored by someone...

Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz

And I
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And as I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What, what a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere
I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

iTunes Shuffle - Gunning Down Romance

Uh-oh, better get ready for this one. Lj's feeling a tad angry and bitter these past few days. So when this song came up, it fit the mood perfectly...

Gunning Down Romance by Savage Garden

Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true
I really do

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

Love don't leave me

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away

iTunes Shuffle - Haven't Met You Yet

Alrighty, so recently I've loved putting my iPod on shuffle and just seeing what pops up next on the playlist. When you have thousands of songs for Mr. iPod to choose from, sometimes it can be very interesting :). I decided that perhaps I would start sharing with you, my friendly readers, some of these great songs that I am hearing on a daily basis. Wonderful lyrics and great tunes are impacting me each day...and here I will share with you my insight :). I hope you enjoy.

I'm starting off, not with a random shuffle song, but one that I've adapted as my theme song for this year. You'll see why in a moment (or perhaps you figured it out from the blog post title!). Here it is, "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble.

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out...
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

my tears make me feminine enough...

I've had this post brewing in my mind for days now. It was meant to be an exploration of who I should be becoming...and how different things in our world keep a tension on this subject, that is, frankly, driving me mad.

The culture I've been raised in has instilled values of strength, self worth, drive, independence, passion and courage for being a modern woman. I was taught to develop my interests, and my abilities, to use them to gain a place in this world - and to do it all by myself. It's an achievement, this independence. We strive to move out on our own, to get our own education, our own job, to be financially responsible for ourselves, and to be proud of this.

The faith I believe in discourages such things for women. We were designed to be a Man's helper. To be a supporting actress instead of the lead role. To care for a household, to be a loving bearer of children. We are to exhibit characteristics of kindness, peace, humility, patience, gentleness, submission, joy and love. All excellent qualities, but as you can see...they definitely are contrary to the previously mentioned values.

And then, as if two ideals of this woman I'm supposed to be - pulling me in opposite directions - isn't enough...there's the men. In all actuality, I deeply desire to become the woman that is worthy to be loved by such a man that I myself would find worthy of the same. But what a difficult task I'm finding it to be. He desires qualities from each of the opposing natures. A woman who is gentle, but strong enough to make it through each day. A wife who supports, yet also pursues her own dreams. A caregiver to her family, but still independent enough to not be so needy. And the list goes on.

But this post isn't going to be about that. The tension is obvious, that is for certain. And I have yet to discover any sort of truth regarding this matter - or even a direction to head in becoming the woman I should be. So that post will have to wait.

No, this post is about my feminine heart. And how, for perhaps the first time ever, it's actually aching. I never knew a physical pain could be felt in the wake of heartbreak...but here it is, enveloping my chest in sorrow.

I made a discovery today, one which I've known about for years, but perhaps have tried to ignore. I desire romance, but it does not desire me. I long to be someone's wife, but no one longs for me to be their wife. I am the perfect candidate if someone needs a good friend, or a sisterly figure. But apparently, something about myself deters any sort of romantic thoughts or actions.

Of course, this causes me to wonder why. Am I not feminine enough? Have I become too independent that I am actually intimidating to some men? In having an open and vulnerable heart, have I made myself too accessible? Does my past, my hurts, deter men from even wanting to take a chance?

To answer those questions - in a defense of myself...I spent most of the afternoon weeping over such things. Emotion and vulnerability - are these not feminine qualities? I don't wish to be intimidating in my independence, but I didn't have a choice. I've had to take care of myself for years, what am I supposed to do about that? I've decided to not hide who I am. No secrets, no surprises. I want to be genuine with the people around me. And to quote a popular song..."Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from." My past experiences are a part of me, there is no denial in that. So if anyone ever does want me, they should want me entirely.

But this, I have fear I will never experience. I desire true love, but it does not desire me.

Please just be my darling...

Driving home from work last night, I was struck by some lyrics in one of the songs coming forth through my iPod. It's the chorus from Kate Walsh's "Bury My Head", which says...

"Why can't you be different from the rest?

Oh won't you surprise me instead?

I've had it up to here,

Please just be my darling, my dear..."

I may be wrong, but to me this is the cry of hope from most every single woman out there. Obviously, I was thinking about this on more of a personal level, but I've been proved that it's a pretty universal feeling. I thought about all of the failed relationships I've had in the past several years, and unfortunately all of the less than stellar men I've gotten myself involved with. And with each new "possibility", it is these thoughts that bring me hope. That maybe THIS one will be different than the rest...the track record shows that my hope is in vain. Because there has yet to be one that is different than the others. And I have had it up to here.

A girl has to wonder if perhaps there isn't ONE out there that is different from the rest. Maybe they ALL are the same insensitive fools. I realize that perfection isn't attainable (in myself and in a future husband), and have never claimed to be searching for it. But it seems that in the universal collection of eligible men out there, they all are stagnant pieces at the bottom of a pond - simply growing algae and scum. (Sorry, that was a bit much, but you get the point). In the beginning, they make you believe that, in fact, they are different from the others you've come across. A charming prince, a caring protector, an infatuated admirer. But time definitely does reveal the scum...leaving us ladies scarred to our core and alone - again.

But maybe, it's just that I've set my standards too high. That instead of looking for a "warrior poet" (as a friend recently described), I should just expect the worse from the men I come into relationship with. That perspective would at least save me from the inevitable disappointment.

Mind you, this is all going through my head in the 7 minute drive from my work to my home :).

A few hours later, I received a heartbreaking phone call from one of my girl friends - one I consider in a sisterly capacity, holding her heart inside of mine for over 10 years. The guy she was seeing had ended things, citing that there was no "romantic attraction" to her. I had to do everything in my power to not drive over to his house and share with him a piece of my uncensored mind (and/or fist). First of all, MEN...don't start a relationship with one of us fragile women unless there is a romantic attraction. Second of all, please don't steal away our physical attentions unless you have the intention to actually respect and care for them (in layman's terms - don't kiss and make out unless you can back it up with the romantic passion that those things were made for). And lastly, be smarter in your endeavors. Unfortunately, this same boy-scum is one that caused myself a heartbreak earlier in the year - and I cannot believe that he's making the same mistakes.

In all of this emotion last night, I found myself driving - again. I just cried to myself. And declared out loud to a Lord whom I know to be a provider and a comforter, "Please, God, prove me wrong. Show me that there is one worthy - one that is different. I just want that darling...that dear."

Not wanting to sound desperate, I truly mean it. God, Universe, Man - prove me wrong. Restore my hope that I'm not waiting in vain...otherwise - I best just give up now and save myself the trouble.

And while I'm at it...I just want to say to the "men" that might be reading... Be men. Not boys. And don't treat us ladies as insignificant toys to mess with and throw out as you please. But remember, that even though we try to present ourselves with strength and confidence, most of the time we're easily broken...we shatter just like glass. Be our protectors, our caregivers, our support and strength. Offer to us meaningful companionship instead of momentary relations. Don't be afraid of honesty, practice integrity. Give us reason to trust you. Stop acting so foolish. Let us love you as we should. Without condition - and spare us from having any conditions to NOT love you as we could.

I want a hippopotamus for christmas...

And only a hippopotamus will do...

So it's begun, Christmas Song Season. While driving home from work today, I switched my iPod's playlist onto my lovely Christmas mix and just tried to get into it. Some of you may have never heard the hippopotamus song, but it is one of my favorites - simply because of it's obscurity! I mean, what little girl asks Santa for a hippo to be under her tree on Christmas morning? :).

Following in the obscurity of what we ask Santa for...it's my turn.

I want a boyfriend for Christmas...and only a boyfriend will do...

You may think I'm kidding, but then again, perhaps you KNOW that I'm completely serious. In light of some recent progressions in my life, I've discovered that I'm ready. Ready to just dive into a great romance, a life altering companionship, and an ever growing relationship with the man that God has out there somewhere for me. And what better time than Christmas to get this all started?

So "Santa" of the Universe, if you are reading...I don't necessarily need that man under my tree on Christmas morning :), any day now would be lovely...and you can wrap him in a cozy green sweatshirt (this way I know its HIM :)), which I will no doubtedly "borrow" from him indefinitely...

A little more hand holding...

To prove my point even more, tonight I ate chinese food for dinner...(yum!), and here's the "fortune" I received:

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.

HA. What are the odds that I get THIS tiny slip of paper in a tasty little cookie tonight?

I want to hold your hand...

Last night I was reading a book in which I was given a most beautiful image. "The two left the house wandering forward with woven hands." (At Home Across The Sea by Ben Mester). The mere thought of those "woven hands" made my heart flutter. I was struck by the idea that something so simple could be so intimate. Our culture, pressed in on every side by the messages we receive from television, films, music and other sorts of media, has discounted this pure form of intimacy and replaced it with filth. For young couples in our society, it is not merely enough to express one's feelings in such a beautiful way as holding each others hands. Instead, we are made to believe that true intimacy comes from a kiss, or offering oneself to another through sex. The more I thought about it, I wanted to explore more about this wonderful act of intimacy.

I remember when I was in junior high, 7th grade I think. I was "going out" with someone (if you could even call it that). At lunch, or during breaks, we would stand with our group of friends in the hall, holding hands. But I hated it. It always felt like he was simply holding my hand as a statement to the others around us. It was a claim, that I was his. Ugh. Oddly enough, after this particular dating experience, I didn't date again until I was 20 years old. This, was an entirely different story. There was an air of mystery, a couple of months in which we guessed if the other person was interested. Once we had told one another of our feelings, I think both of us then were pretty nervous. I remember we had gone to a grocery store together, and walking from the car, I just dove right in! I swooped behind him, and gently put my hand in his, which was swaying lightly by his side. He looked down at me, and smiled. Of course I smiled back. He told me later that he had wanted to do that for weeks, but didn't know if I'd appreciate it. Ha. Our relationship was a slow moving one, and that was perfectly fine. We were content in just having a close touch now and again. In contrast to my junior high "boyfriend" simply parading me around, when Eric held my hand, I knew it was because of the affection he had for me. I felt safe, admired, and wanted. It was so powerful. Since then, I've unfortunately forgotten that power. I've fallen victim to what our society claims is true intimacy.

I caught myself doing something a few weeks ago, and I know for certain it wasn't the first time I've ever done it. I was sitting at a movie with a guy friend of mine(perhaps I wanted him to be more than a friend...), and I put my hand out flat on my thigh closest to where he was sitting. Apparently I was hoping that he'd get the clue and just hold my hand. The horrible truth here, he isn't the one that I genuinely want to be holding my hand. The more and more I contemplate this, I realize just how intimate hand holding is...and still how much more I look forward to it in a right situation.

The image in the book I was reading last night was such a lovely description, using the word "woven". Dictionary.com defines "to weave" as: to form by combining various elements or details into a connected whole.

If you ask me, this is the perfect image of true relationship. This is what I want the next time someone is to hold my hand. To take two elements to make one whole...

Perhaps a purpose behind writing this blog...to encourage my friends to never forget the intimacy in simplicity...to move away from the expectations the world has set out for us in our relationships.

For those of you who might have forgotten the way to this simplicity...here's something I came across on WikiHow...enjoy.

Steps

1. Find someone to hold hands with (girlfriend/boyfriend).
2. Visualize how it will feel. If you are nervous, think of how good it will feel if the other person holds back.
3. Take a hold of the other person's hand. While sitting, standing or walking next to that person, grasp his or her hand and lightly squeeze.
4. Wait for a return squeeze. If they squeeze back, most times, they enjoy your company and don't mind you holding their hand.
5. Use a hand-holding method. There are two approaches to hold another person's hand.
   
   
   • You can just grasp their hand and hold it (easy to achieve, but harder to stay held on longer)
   • Interlock fingers, which sometimes takes some work, but because the other person is holding on too, you can stay holding hands longer. Most times, it's better if you just start off with doing the first example until you are sure that the other person is okay with holding hands and will hold on.
6. If you're absolutely sure that the person you held hands with is enjoying your company, look at him or her straight in the eyes and smile subtly. Then, show them that you really like them, by squeezing harder.

Tips

• Most times, the simple grasp of the hand will do but a more "intimate" way to hold hands is the interlocking finger grasp.
• With very young kids, offer them your finger for them to grasp their tiny hand around.
• If you can feel your hand starting to sweat, let go of his or her hand and hold his or her other hand.
• For hot days, consider linking pinkies instead so you get that intimate connection without those pesky sweaty palms.
• Smile a lot. Girls and guys love to see a lovely smile.
• Try not to hold hands with someone you like when you are freezing, because cold hands can be a majorturn-off.
• Use the "my hands are so cold" line if you have the problem above. It will give you more of a reason to hold their hand.
• If you and the other person have already had some experience holding hands together, it's a good idea to keep repeating the process and letting each other know when you want to have your hand held.
• You can also ask her whether you can hold her hands or not (it works in real relationships).
• Make sure to keep your hands soft. Apply a hand lotion daily, but not right before holding hands because it can often come off as clammy or cold.
• You can also try the finger trick which I found out. Though this only works if you are sitting down like on a couch or in a movie. Put your finger away from the arm rest if the chair has one. Make sure your whole hand is under. If your partner is too nervous (confused)just try and move your hand or finger next to them. Make sure they touch and then soon your partner will get the idea and hold your hand for real.
• If he/she is nervous, try to bring it up in conversation. If they want to, then they'll take the initiative and grab your hand! If you are nervous, then try touching their arm lightly, and slowly progress to holding hands.
• (For girls) In the theater, let your hand drop over to his side on the armrest. He'll notice and get the hint that you want it held.

Jacuzzi of Emotions

haha, that's what i feel like. i guess a more common way to put it is "a whirlpool of emotions", but jacuzzi is more like it. if you think of a jacuzzi, you realize it's something that is frequented by many different kinds...some that sit and stay for a while, others that just come in for a quick dip. and in that jacuzzi, sometimes the water gets hotter and hotter...causing either a soothing feeling, or discomfort.
anyways, perhaps i'm being too cryptic. so here it is, plain and simple. if you know me, you know there is always *something* going on. i just cant escape it. so here's ONE of the situations i'm dealing with at this moment. i suppose i'm writing about it because i don't know how to talk about it. i don't really have anyONE to talk to, but i just want someone to know.(haha, if anyone really ever reads this anyways!). this weekend, the man that i almost married is marrying someone else. it's not that i'm jealous, or heart broken...because i fully realize that him and i were not meant to be together. but just a short year and a half ago, things were serious, and we were planning a life together...it's hard to get a grasp that his forever is now different. and mine...well mine is still up in the air.
maybe that's what hurts the most. he's found someone, watching all of his dreams come true...and i'm still left here alone, wondering if this is my lot for the rest of my days here on earth. i mean, we're never promised that true romantic love of a lifetime, or guaranteed someone will commit themselves to us and slide a ring on our finger. having children is not a for certain, but a blessing above and beyond the norm. yet all my life, i've just assumed. haha, for most of my childhood i even assumed there was a "leanna jean wedding fund" that my parents contributed to on a constant basis :). i had a rude awakening when that dream was shattered!
all that to say, this is the kind of emotion that does both of the above mentioned things. it comes in for a quick dip, and leaves. most of the time. but sometimes it stays and festers...and unfortunately i know it will always be there. if you've read previous blogs, you'd know what this person was to me...not just a future husband, but someone who's involvement in my life changed me forever. he and our relationship will continue to be a frequent visitor to my jacuzzi of emotions...and i hate that. i wish i could approach this weekend as any other...instead it is welcomed with disappointment and tears.
there it is. if you see me this weekend, i might not want to talk about it. i just wanted someone to know...in case i'm distant, or trying to be overly happy :). THIS is what is really going on.