let me go on...

so apparently i have more readers than i knew of :). thanks to all of you who have sent me words of love and encouragement these past few days. i can't help but feel the amazing blessing of the people that God has placed in my life...whether from seasons past or those present.

it is for you lovely people that i bring some updates...

test results FINALLY came back from the doctor. blood tests were normal, so Rheumatoid Arthritis is ruled out. Fibromyalgia is still on the table. i have another doctor's appt on the 17th, which hopefully will be a stepping stone on this journey of figuring out what the hell is going on with my body. on the down side, i'm discovering that the pain is getting more and more frequent, and moving to other parts of my body. the upside - it's not as severe in those other parts :) haha. my back and neck still seem to be primary, but now my legs, elbows and arms are suffering. it seems i can't go a single day without something hurting to the point of distraction and prevention of normal activities.

my job is kicking my butt. last week i met with the youth pastor at my church to discuss my spiritual "s.h.a.p.e." and wasn't surprised to find that i was designed for some sort of ministry and service to youth (and youth like beings :)). it can be such an incredible thing to see how perfectly God has designed you for specific reasons, yet devasting in the same moment when you realize you aren't living up to your potential in them. i know that working front desk at a dermatology office is NOT what i was made for. i just wish windows and doors would present themselves. for the time being, i'm stuck in a stressful and sometimes irritating job (which, i am convinced, is adding to my physical pain). i am grateful to have said job, however. it keeps my bills paid and provides health insurance in this great time of need. for that i am glad. but i need joy through my everyday happenings, and THIS is not bringing it.

there's been a few decisions i have made this past week, very hard ones, that have affected some of the paths i was treading. i have decided to step away from the intentional living community for the time being, for personal reasons. i hated making that decision - but know that it's for the best right now. peace has come because i know deep in my heart that in that "project" was truth and goodness, and godliness. it will happen, i have no doubt :), and one day i hope to return to it. there are other decisions as well, but that'll have to be another blog :), lj is exhausted after a busy monday.

also, to all those new and unknown readers out there, i'd love to know if you have a blog that i can follow as well. i'm making it a goal to keep updated on your lives :) so let me know where i can read about you!

what on earth...exactly.

i apologize in advance, but i haven't gotten around to those "happy emotions" i intended for this next blog. instead, stuff just keeps happening. i heard this song on my drive home today and it describes what i'm feeling/thinking almost exactly.

David Gray
My oh My...

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

i havent slept in days. my stomach is in constant turmoil. and i sigh nearly every two minutes or so - perhaps a reminder to breathe. i am ANXIOUSLY awaiting blood test results. i feel like the remainder of my life is hanging on a thread. not a serious one, but what comes from these results will affect me. now if the doctors would only call...
i've decided that it is foolish to have notions about people. these past few days have shown me that even that person you thought was the kindest soul can prove himself to be malicious. and the cynic is merely hinding a gentle spirit. and for me, i am the biggest fool out there. such a wonderful self realization to reach.
last night, while i was NOT sleeping, i came to the conclusion that i HATE this time of year. may 21-june 7(give or take a day or two). these few weeks have held nothing but heartbreaking times for me for the past 3 years. what on earth is going on...?

enough excuses

so i just read over that blog i posted, to make sure i didn't make any huge mistakes...and felt entirely convicted. not about mistakes :), just about what i had written. although it's all true, and perhaps relevant to explain my busy life...it's not what's going on. it made me realize that perhaps i've been drowning myself in busyness as an excuse to avoid the things that are REALLY going on.
i want to write because it's always been a release for me. i mean, i think that's why i originally decided to write screenplays. most of what i would write in my stories were just that: my stories. writing them down seemed a bit of a way to get it all out. so why did i just give the world a play by play that is practically worthless of the time it took to type out? ugh. i had to explain to a friend recently why i don't cry in front of people. my reason is that it shows weakness, and i'm sick of appearing weak. to which she replied "that's right, you're a tough ol' bird." ;). yes she was mocking me. although you cannot see tears through a blog, here it comes...weakness city.
i'm devasted. my best friend is moving out of the country for two years and i dont know how to handle it. (dont worry, she knows that i'm struggling, this blog is not going to be news to her). she's been the constant good in my life for several years, and the thought of not having her scares me. at a friend's suggestion to really "mourn the loss" of her come feb 2010, i almost died. there have been too many people in my life that have hurt me and caused me pain - that i have cried over. she's been the joy, i never want to be hurt over her. unfortunately (and apparently) i already am.
i'm lost. there is no path i am following, no guided direction. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. that sounds very pessimistic and i apologize. but there it is. ashamedly i admit that this evening i watched (by myself)...high school musical 3: senior year. jest all you want, i love it. there's a musical number in which troy bolton (zac efron's character) is frustratingly singing about wanting his own dream. i can relate. sometimes i begin to wonder what MY dream in life actually is. i find myself clinging to this idea of wife/mom, but is that just something that i fell into because i'm female? at one point, leanna was going to travel the oceans and study marine life and behavior. years later, she was going to teach literature to high school or college students. and then came jesus and church, and their guidance to jump into jr high and camp ministry. but what about those years dreaming of writing/directing films? and now...i don't know. and every day that i wake up "not knowing" is seemingly a pure waste of a day.
i'm broken. amidst all that busy stuff i was doing, i forgot to mention the several trips to urgent care. my muscles are giving up on me...and physical weakness seems to be a daily occurrence. other stuff is going wrong, but nothing i publicly want to talk about. thank goodness i have health insurance now...but i feel like my body doesn't know it's only 28(this statement is stolen from a friend who is constantly asking me "you do know you're only 28 right?").
i'm lonely. what's new? i mean, if you know me, you know i'm a hopeless romantic. but on the serious side, i want to be sharing what little bit of life i have WITH someone. it's not like i go to sleep dreaming of being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor - i think i passed that phase of life several years ago when i realized, much to my dismay, that i do NOT live in medieval england :). but i do think about having companionship, intentional companionship. someone to experience life's little happenings with, joys and hardships, challenges and blessings. and i wont lie :), a kiss or cuddle or dance here and there wouldn't be too awful either.
okay i'm tired. perhaps i will do my best to make the next blog about the happy emotions i am feeling :). but for now, you get the weakness.

the happenings...

Oh dearest Blog, how sorry I am to have forgotten you for so long...but I have a valid reason...I've been BUSY. So for all 3 of my followers, I will give the condensed version of the last month (and I apologize to the 2 of you who have actually lived these things with me:)).
Let's see...the weekend of April 25-26th was a busy one! On saturday, I assisted in moving the Q's to their new place. We were successful in convincing PQ to get a uhaul, and the day went off without a hitch. Then on Sunday, I went to DISNEYLAND! My friend Dawn was getting ready to depart for Omaha for a few months, so her, my friend Ryan and myself decided to spend a day of fun at the happiest place on earth. What a fun day, filled with silly dares (never accomplished), amazing trivia, hillbillies ("jedi force push"), disney duets, giant turkey legs and more. And to top it all off, the FIREWORKS! Oh, just thinking about it makes me want to go back...
A few weeks later, I had the opportunity to attend a S.H.A.P.E. seminar at the church, which was just phenomenal. Talk about insight. This was the second time I've participated in such a thing, so was not THAT surprised at the things I learned about myself and my niche in the Kingdom. I have to say though, taking this with my best friend AQ put a lot into perspective. It's a whole different experience when someone else tells you what you should be doing with your life :) haha. The outcome? I'm thinking that God wants me to do camp FOR youth workers! Haha, so strange. But seriously, those silly and crazy youth workers are doing amazing things in the Kingdom, and they deserve a camp all their own. Now, how to go about doing that, I am uncertain. But it's not me. It's all Him. I will keep you posted. Later that night, I ventured out to Canes Bar and grill to witness a fantastic band called "Tainted Love". They are an 80's tribute band that has changed my world. Haha. So much fun with the Lanes and Nick, enjoying the tunes of my childhood! The next day was mother's day, and my brother and I took grama to the Zoo for lunch and some animal kingdom fun. Hands down, most amazing meal I've had in quite some time. You think I'm joking. For starters: Blue Cheese and Artichoke Bisque. Then spinach ravioli with amazing sun dried tomato cream sauce. Ok, I need to stop thinking about food.
Just a few short days later, I ventured to Hurkey Creek for a camping trip with a bunch of the GVC family. I'd love to tell you all about it, but I mentioned this was a condensed version of the last month. If you want to read more details, see Ryan's blog "life in this lane" (linked on my page). It was an incredible weekend of nature, family, relaxation, worship and fun. When sunday morning came, I did not want to leave the place, and was glad to know that I wasn't the only one feeling attachment to the weekend away. A great time with amazing friends, no doubt.
Three days later, I went and saw my favorite movie of the year so far. Star Trek. If you haven't seen it, you must. Because I am mentioning this small fraction of my month in my blog, you know it's worth it.
Two days after that, Ryan Lauren and myself ventured down to City Heights to have dinner with a few "cohorts" in this intentional living community business (see previous blog, and of course, more to come about that). It was a great evening meeting some great people and having good conversation over an entirely vegetarian and homegrown meal(yes i know, LEANNA ate a whole meal of vegetables...). Insight was gained, and I'm so glad for it. The next morning, AQ and I took off for Redlands to have a mini-reunion with a few "girls of the loft" (a.k.a. Creekside Summer Staff '06). The day was amazing! Talk about family. The minute we were in each other's presence it felt a little like home :). We just spent time together in downtown Redlands, having some Chai at Augie's Coffee, hitting up the used book sale in the park, venturing to Hobo's Vintage Wear for some great buys, wandering through the Redland's Galleria of antiques, fro yo at Ohana's, and then finally ending up at Gourmet Pizza for a fabulous dinner with 3/4 of the Rice family :). I miss the day already, and the people even more. It was the confirmation of family and community that I'm now striving for here in north county. That it does exist, and it's wonderful. Monday was memorial day, and I threw together an impromptu burger bbq for the home group friends. Such a fun and random time together. Another example of that community. Hmm...a theme in my life? I think so.
So there it is. I want to try to post a picture on here :) since discovering how to do it. Here they are, a few of the "girls of the loft", that I love ever so dearly.
OH. It posted to the top of the blog. Oh well, it's there, I think.

the latest

so here it is, what's been on my heart and flowing through my mind for the past few days. i'm feeling that if i don't explore it more and write it out, i will definitely explode :). i'm not being "cautiously excited" with this one! haha. that was for alli. anyways...

a friend and i have been tossing around the idea of starting up an intentional living community. since getting back to san diego, and joining the amazing congregation at green valley church...i've been immensely blessed by people. it truly is an authentic community of christ followers that are doing just that...striving each day to follow Him as Lord of everything in their lives. so incredible. in january i joined up with a pre-existing home group of "20-30 somethings", and was immediately accepted as part of the family. the best part was, i don't feel as if it were forced because that's what we're supposed to do as christians, but that those people genuinely welcomed me into their lives...and i did the same. so its only natural that a few of us would consider taking a step further, and living life together in the fullness of the statement.

if we want to truly embrace what it meant to be disciples of christ, i think it's pertinent to follow the examples of those original men and women who walked with him in the flesh. we see ordinary people being called out, and abandoning their own lives...what was important to them...to answer the greatest purpose they would ever find. from there, they spent life together. every aspect was not only with God, but with each other. and thats what we want. we want to take the spiritual experiences...past present and future, and share them fully with one another. thus this crazy idea to move 6-10 of us into one home and begin a journey that holds wonders i'm sure we can't even imagine yet.

that's that. we've only taken a tiny baby step in even considering this pursuit, but my heart is telling me it's going to be a wonderful ride.

i'm way excited about it all, to be perfectly honest. i know that as humans we're not meant to be alone, and the prospect of finally being with people...growing through life with them - i can't help but smile. last night after a brainstorming session, i could barely sleep...thoughts, ideas and hopes we're flying through my brain! it was crazy. and even today as i went about my day in a normal monday fashion, i couldn't help but imagine what it would be like knowing that i had a home with a loving family waiting for me when i leave work. and as i emptied the dishwasher i had excited chills as i realized that living together would encompass a servitude towards one another and our community that perhaps i've never experienced first hand. i do know that this whole endeavor will carry with it some obstacles and hardships. but what would life be without them? i started this blog because of lyrics i heard once, that said:

we break and we bend...
but we turn it inside out
to take it back - to the start...
and through the rise and falling apart,
we discover who we are.

done...and done. :D.

so, if you're so inclined to perhaps add your thoughts, join with us here in so-cal for this endeavor, or just simply lift it up to the Father in prayer...all are gladly accepted :).

Jacuzzi of Emotions

haha, that's what i feel like. i guess a more common way to put it is "a whirlpool of emotions", but jacuzzi is more like it. if you think of a jacuzzi, you realize it's something that is frequented by many different kinds...some that sit and stay for a while, others that just come in for a quick dip. and in that jacuzzi, sometimes the water gets hotter and hotter...causing either a soothing feeling, or discomfort.
anyways, perhaps i'm being too cryptic. so here it is, plain and simple. if you know me, you know there is always *something* going on. i just cant escape it. so here's ONE of the situations i'm dealing with at this moment. i suppose i'm writing about it because i don't know how to talk about it. i don't really have anyONE to talk to, but i just want someone to know.(haha, if anyone really ever reads this anyways!). this weekend, the man that i almost married is marrying someone else. it's not that i'm jealous, or heart broken...because i fully realize that him and i were not meant to be together. but just a short year and a half ago, things were serious, and we were planning a life together...it's hard to get a grasp that his forever is now different. and mine...well mine is still up in the air.
maybe that's what hurts the most. he's found someone, watching all of his dreams come true...and i'm still left here alone, wondering if this is my lot for the rest of my days here on earth. i mean, we're never promised that true romantic love of a lifetime, or guaranteed someone will commit themselves to us and slide a ring on our finger. having children is not a for certain, but a blessing above and beyond the norm. yet all my life, i've just assumed. haha, for most of my childhood i even assumed there was a "leanna jean wedding fund" that my parents contributed to on a constant basis :). i had a rude awakening when that dream was shattered!
all that to say, this is the kind of emotion that does both of the above mentioned things. it comes in for a quick dip, and leaves. most of the time. but sometimes it stays and festers...and unfortunately i know it will always be there. if you've read previous blogs, you'd know what this person was to me...not just a future husband, but someone who's involvement in my life changed me forever. he and our relationship will continue to be a frequent visitor to my jacuzzi of emotions...and i hate that. i wish i could approach this weekend as any other...instead it is welcomed with disappointment and tears.
there it is. if you see me this weekend, i might not want to talk about it. i just wanted someone to know...in case i'm distant, or trying to be overly happy :). THIS is what is really going on.

and i'm feeling...goooodddd...

"Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good..."

it's true. i'm doing alright. for the first time in a long time, circumstances in my life are okay. struggles haven't completely left, but i feel a sense of fresh air. in many areas. financially, emotionally, mentally, socially...

unfortunately, this is coming at a time when others are not so okay. i was talking to my dad on the phone last night and mentioned that i felt bad about my good fortune. for example: i had my review at work, and it went very well, got a raise. called my parents to tell them the good news, and after i was done, my mom revealed that my dad had lost his job and their store that they run was not doing so well. i felt awful. but my dad told me to not diminish my joy in this season. he knows a bit of what i've been through the past years, and said i needed a break in the storm to allow some sunshine :). okay, so he didn't say those words...i just made him a little more poetic in his meaning :)! i think what he said was more along the lines of "dont feel bad. we're old, we've had our good days. and now we're just getting ready to die."

HAHA. i know that sounds awful. but in the context of his 52nd birthday being that day...it was hilarious :).

but i just wanted to say this. to all of the people in my life facing trials of many kinds, you have a friend. i apologize in advance if i present a perma-grin to you...but know that yours is coming in due time. i've been through a refining fire in any way imaginable, and always have ears open to listen - as many of yours have been there for me in the past.

so keep on keepin' on my loves.

how far i've come

so the other night, i took some time and read over some previously posted blogs from my myspace. i have to admit, most of them brought me to tears. these past few years have definitely been somewhat of a refining fire for me, and it was a blessing to be able to look back, to remember where i was, and be grateful for how far i've come. i thought it might be fun to recount my journey...here on the NEW blog...

*May of 2006, where FEAR NOT began...
may 06

*August of 2006, one of many "muscle spasm" stories...
august 06

*October of 2006, the detour that taught me about life...
october 06

*November of 2006, my first blog from central CA and dealing with the emptiness of change...
november 06

*April of 2007, finding a bit of lost Lj...
april 07

*June of 2007, Lj left forest home...
june 07

*July of 2007, my venting about sleezy guys! freaking awesome...
july 07

*August of 2007, Lj caught the changING fever...
august 07

*September of 2007, when i discovered that weak is the new strong...
september 07

*December of 2007, my screenplay develops a little twist :)
december 07

Wow, all that to say this...

i'm blessed to be where i am today. i've been through a lot of crap, seasons of pure joy, and stuff you wouldn't even imagine. but it's truly shaped me. not only have i changed, but i recognize change in those around me. and i embrace it. goodness, its amazing.

death and inspiration

michael crichton is dead. my favorite author is gone. when i first heard the news i started to cry. it may seem ridiculous to you but he was more than just an "author" in my eyes. his writing was joy for me, an escape from whatever reality i was in, a challenge of the ideals i held. and more than that, he was inspiration to me. he was a man who actually took passion in each of his subjects, learning as much as he could about each facet he included in his stories. when you found yourself enveloped in one of his novels, the characters and each detail in the story exhibited interest and passion. i loved reading his work.

i think ever since i read jurassic park (my first michael crichton experience), i wanted to be the kind of writer he is. and with each new endeavor into his literary world, whether in the science fiction and fantasy of dinosaurs, foreign political turmoil, gruesome historical legends, medical mysteries or environmental legal issues...he became somewhat of a hero. in the middle of all of those, i came across his autobiography, "travels", and was even more impressed on his open mind and adventurous spirit. more than just a box office and bestseller list hit, michael crichton proved himself to be great.

so now, it may not be as shocking to know that upon news of his death, i began to cry. however, the part in this story that breaks my heart even more...when my grandfather passed away just a few short years ago, i didn't shed a single tear. although we were blood, and i'd known him my entire life...i dont think i ever felt a connection to the man. most memories i have of him just make me upset or angry, and to be honest, those memories are few.

i place a high value on family. but what i'm feeling right now just goes to prove how even the simplest person can have an effect on people the world over. my grandfather perhaps had a slightly negative affect, and michael crichton has impacted me more than expected.

so i guess its just something to keep in mind, no matter who you are, your life is making an imprint in someone elses...you will always matter in some way to others...