I've had this post brewing in my mind for days now. It was meant to be an exploration of who I should be becoming...and how different things in our world keep a tension on this subject, that is, frankly, driving me mad.
The culture I've been raised in has instilled values of strength, self worth, drive, independence, passion and courage for being a modern woman. I was taught to develop my interests, and my abilities, to use them to gain a place in this world - and to do it all by myself. It's an achievement, this independence. We strive to move out on our own, to get our own education, our own job, to be financially responsible for ourselves, and to be proud of this.
The faith I believe in discourages such things for women. We were designed to be a Man's helper. To be a supporting actress instead of the lead role. To care for a household, to be a loving bearer of children. We are to exhibit characteristics of kindness, peace, humility, patience, gentleness, submission, joy and love. All excellent qualities, but as you can see...they definitely are contrary to the previously mentioned values.
And then, as if two ideals of this woman I'm supposed to be - pulling me in opposite directions - isn't enough...there's the men. In all actuality, I deeply desire to become the woman that is worthy to be loved by such a man that I myself would find worthy of the same. But what a difficult task I'm finding it to be. He desires qualities from each of the opposing natures. A woman who is gentle, but strong enough to make it through each day. A wife who supports, yet also pursues her own dreams. A caregiver to her family, but still independent enough to not be so needy. And the list goes on.
But this post isn't going to be about that. The tension is obvious, that is for certain. And I have yet to discover any sort of truth regarding this matter - or even a direction to head in becoming the woman I should be. So that post will have to wait.
No, this post is about my feminine heart. And how, for perhaps the first time ever, it's actually aching. I never knew a physical pain could be felt in the wake of heartbreak...but here it is, enveloping my chest in sorrow.
I made a discovery today, one which I've known about for years, but perhaps have tried to ignore. I desire romance, but it does not desire me. I long to be someone's wife, but no one longs for me to be their wife. I am the perfect candidate if someone needs a good friend, or a sisterly figure. But apparently, something about myself deters any sort of romantic thoughts or actions.
Of course, this causes me to wonder why. Am I not feminine enough? Have I become too independent that I am actually intimidating to some men? In having an open and vulnerable heart, have I made myself too accessible? Does my past, my hurts, deter men from even wanting to take a chance?
To answer those questions - in a defense of myself...I spent most of the afternoon weeping over such things. Emotion and vulnerability - are these not feminine qualities? I don't wish to be intimidating in my independence, but I didn't have a choice. I've had to take care of myself for years, what am I supposed to do about that? I've decided to not hide who I am. No secrets, no surprises. I want to be genuine with the people around me. And to quote a popular song..."Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from." My past experiences are a part of me, there is no denial in that. So if anyone ever does want me, they should want me entirely.
But this, I have fear I will never experience. I desire true love, but it does not desire me.
