WORDLE

So I "wordled" my blog...

this cannot be happening...

My whole world has been turned upside down this past week. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to write about all that has happened. It would be no surprise to me that you all are aware already. On Thursday night I received a call from a friend, telling me that our friend and co-workers teenage daughter was missing. She had gone out for a run after school, and hadn't returned. Search and Rescue teams began late that night, scouring the park that she had been running in. For the next five days, a massive community effort - and stretching throughout the country - to find Chelsea King took place. And despite our efforts, our prayers and our pleas, her body was found buried just yesterday afternoon - in a shallow grave 100 yards off of the running trail. A man has been arrested and is being charged with rape and murder. But it still doesn't bring this amazing daughter back to her parents, and a loving sister into the arms of a little brother. Perhaps in a few weeks I will be able to write more about it. In all my life, I've never faced anything so difficult as the situations I found myself in these past few days. Everyone depends on me to be strong, to know what to do, to have wisdom and answers. But all I've needed is to have someone wrap their arms around me, to let me just cry and mourn, and maybe to lie to me - calming me with words that it will be alright. Instead, it's been necessary to remain strong, to do what needs to be done, and to put off emotions for a later time.

I'm adding an iTunes song in here tonight, that I've often connected with...and even more so tonight. Even with the shock of the unbelievable, and the constant immersion in this situation...it still doesn't feel real. This cannot be happening...

Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

i can't be losing sleep over this

no, i can't

and i cannot stop pacing

give me a few hours

and i'll have this all sorted out

if my mind would just stop racing

'cause i cannot stand still

i can't be this unsturdy

this cannot be happening

this is over my head

but underneath my feet

cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat

and everything will be back to the way that it was

i wish that it was just that easy

'cause i'm waiting for tonight

then waiting for tomorrow

and i'm sowehere in between

what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall

out of what i fell in

don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again

i don't want to run away from this

i know that i just don't need this

'cause i cannot stand still

i can't be this unsturdy

this cannot be happening

'cause i'm waiting for tonight

then waiting for tomorrow

and i'm somewhere in between

what is real and just a dream

iTunes Shuffle-Sleeping to Dream

Well, it's been a little bit since I've entertained you with some iPod music :). Today's song is special...and here's why...

Years ago, a friend of mine left for a year to live in Seattle while doing an internship and discipleship program. It wasn't until he was gone that he decided to tell me that he had feelings for me. HA. He is a wonderful person, and we were able to keep up some sort of long distance relationship...but as you can tell, things didn't work out. Anyway, one night while we were talking on the phone, he told me to download a Jason Mraz album from the iTunes store...because whenever he listened to some of the songs on there, they reminded him of me and he wanted me to know more of his feelings towards me. So I did. And was floored :). Today I share the most important song to me from that album...it's just nice to remember a time when I was loved and adored by someone...

Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz

And I
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And as I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What, what a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere
I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

Behind the Scenes

I thought I'd give you all a random behind the scenes look into the life of Lj :).

Sometimes, I think I'm pretty hilarious. Perhaps this is why I spent so many years working with 5 year olds and junior highers - because they confirmed my hilarity and boosted my esteem :). With that said, I forewarn you that you might not find the following story to be as comical as I did, but what the heck...I will go for it anyway.

So tonight, I'm doing laundry. Oh joy of my life. I currently do not own a laundry "basket", so when the dryer buzzes I gather the load in my arms and hurry to my bedroom as to not drop any of it's contents on the ground, and plop it all on my bed. From there, I separate the clothes out, fold what needs to be folded, put them in their appropriate piles for storing in the dresser, and those items that need to be hung up, they get laid in a nice pile, awaiting their beloved hangers. Of course, with the addition of SCRUBS to my wardrobe, there is now three piles of clothes to be hung: SCRUBS, tops, bottoms. Tonight's load was darks - which meant mostly SCRUBS. There wasn't enough room on the bed for all three piles of hang up clothes - so the tops, they were placed gently on the back of my computer chair. Upon adding the fourth item to the "tops" pile, I took inventory of what lay before me and said out loud:

"Hi my name is Leanna, and I like striped sweaters."

And of course, I let out a roar of laughter. :). Before me were FOUR striped sweaters...are we serious Leanna? Perhaps the stripes are attempting to take over the love of hoodies in my collection. Oh Lord I hope not. I love my hoodies...striped sweaters, beware of a fight. (For those of you unknowing souls...at last count, I own over 40 hooded sweatshirts).

That's my behind the scenes - exciting life I lead, isn't it?

Perfectly Explained

I used to pride myself on my writing :). But I just recently found this letter posted on my cousin's facebook page that humbled me. It describes perfectly what I've been feeling this past year (or more), while dealing with Fibromyalgia. I couldn't have said it better...So please read on, as this letter is also intended to you from me...

A Letter to my Friends & Family...
Re: life with NEID’s (Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders) - FM and CFS (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

I am going to start off with an apology to you – I am sorry. I realize it may be hard for you to understand why things are so different for me now. I know I look the same, and talk the same, but these days I am waging an internal battle that affects all areas of my life ... physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

You cannot see it - you just see me and on the outside I don’t appear to have changed. At first I tried my best to hide it from you. It is the reason I cancel lunches at the last minute or cannot attend functions I promised to go to, or why I leave events early. It is the reason I do not talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, as much as I used to. Don’t take it personally – it’s not you, it’s not anything you have done, please don’t be offended.

There are many things I no longer do, people I do not see, and places I no longer visit. You see - these days I struggle just doing everyday things like cleaning, cooking, reading, working, driving, shopping and all the little things in between ... all those day to day things we all take for granted.

Some days this illness takes all that I have and then it decides to take more. I can be fine one day ... and the next it hits me from nowhere. If you see me out and about and I look well - then that’s wonderful and a great day for me! Celebrate with me, but believe me when I say I’m not faking it when the following day I am too ill to get out of bed.

Every day it takes my all just to get up and out of bed, and some days I am not even able to achieve that. The pain, the stiffness, the fatigue - is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like this for a day, sometimes two, sometimes weeks on end. I am always tired and in pain, both of these are now my constant companions - it’s just the severity and intensity that changes.

I may be tired but I cannot sleep. If and when I do sleep it’s either not for long or it’s all I can do - until I wake myself up crying out in pain. The only place I hurry to these days is the bathroom as often “need” comes on both urgently and unexpectedly. I always have a headache; my stomach always hurts; my bones always ache and my joints are always on fire. My muscles burn, tingle, cramp and twitch. I am tender and sore all over. I’m sorry but sometimes a well meaning hug will actually hurt not help.

Both my body and my brain have shut down. My internal thermostat is broken - I experience chilling shakes and soaking sweats. I have unrelenting brain fog – it’s called “Fibro Fog”. My short term memory is shot ... I am both forgetful and clumsy these days. I don’t move very fast these days. If you get stuck walking behind me – please be patient. I’m extremely sensitive to all sorts of things (MCS) – bright lights, loud noises, chemicals, smells, foods … the list goes on (and can change daily). I am depressed, anxious and I no longer cope with stress – in fact it can leave me incapacitated and is a major “Fibro-Flare” trigger.

To confirm what I have my doctors run every test imaginable to ensure they are all “clear” in order to make a positive diagnosis of FM/CFS … So this, I wonder, is how it feels not to have anything wrong with me? Amazing! As yet there is no clear diagnostic tool for this; and no cure – no-one really has much idea about it at all. To date, all that is known is that it may be caused by a retrovirus (XMRV) which alters our DNA and plays havoc with our immune systems, and there is no cure.

So this is my life with FM/CFS. I cannot change it, ignore it or wish it away. I have no choice – I’m just learning how to live with it, understand it and accept it. I am not asking for your pity, I don’t want you to feel “sorry for me” – I just wanted to help you understand this illness a bit better. Thanks for reading.

Now I am hoping you may be able to help me by raising awareness and educating others about these invisible illnesses. To assist you following are some details and helpful links that you might like to view.

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are part of a group of illnesses called “Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders” (NEID’s) including: chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), fibromyalgia (FM), Gulf War syndrome/illness (GWS/GWI), multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), environmental illness (EI), chronic Lyme disease, Alzheimer's, and autism.

CFS/ME and FMS are invisible diseases, largely unseen and unrecognised, despite the fact that they are far more prevalent than multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy combined. With those that suffer severely these illnesses are more debilitating than congestive heart failure or the late stages of AIDS. I cannot begin to describe the pain I experience. Child birth, gallstones or kidney stones are “walks in the park” in comparison.

It is estimated that as many as 10% of the population may suffer to some degree with CFS and/or FM but due to difficulty in effective diagnosis this cannot be confirmed. At least 5% is confirmed – that is 1 in 20 people so chances are you know some-one, other than me, with this/these illnesses!

While not “fatal” or “physically deforming”, it is estimated that our lifespan may be shortened by up to 25 years, due to either related or linked illnesses, complications, or suicide. Many sufferers are completely bedridden. For the moment, I struggle to maintain working and have had to cut back to part time work.

There are numerous websites and other online communities relating to these illnesses, without which, due to the isolation and lack of awareness, research and knowledge of our illness, many of us could not survive. Some particularly useful links include:

P.A.N.D.O.R.A. Inc - http://www.pandoranet.info/
CFIDS Assoc.of America - http://www.cfids.org/
Fibroduck – http://www.fibroduck.com
CFIDS and Fibromyaglia Self Help Site - http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/

Again, thank you for your time, thank you for reading and thank you for helping me to raise Awareness.
Feel free to copy cut and paste as best suits your own needs.

iTunes Shuffle - Simply Amazed

Today's shuffle song pick is one I hold dear. Written and performed by one of the most incredible followers of Christ I've ever met...a true brother :), Jordan Frye. Here's a guy who's got talent, passion and humility like you've never seen. It's been a joy and privilege to watch him grow, and his musical ambitions flourish. I hope you enjoy the love he shares, and if you love him as much as I do, let me know - he performs in the San Diego area quite often. Also, his band "Urban Rescue" can usually be found leading worship at various Youth Camps(usually at Forest Home!) and Church services around the SoCal area...

Simply Amazed - Jordan Frye/Urban Rescue

All I see before me are broken pieces

But in my dream I caught a glimpse of you

Awakened by the sound I'm captivated

Falling more each day in love with You

Even Now

I'm looking up to heaven

Even Now

You're singing over me

So I come amazed by you

Amazed by you

Simply Amazed

To look into the eyes of tender mercy

As they pressed the thorns upon your brow

How can it be that you were thinking of me?

I never knew such love until now

Even Now

I'm looking up to heaven

Even Now

You're singing over me

So I come amazed by you

Amazed by you

Simply amazed

And I'm singing like its the first time...

With all my love

I've come undone

Simply Amazed

With all my love

For all You've done

Simply Amazed

*I couldn't get an embed, so visit the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJqH1e9mZGg

Fibro Update

Well, I realized that it's been a while since I've updated the internet about my life with fibromyalgia. The main reason being that since I started on my medication regime, and twice a month massages :), things haven't been so bad. Unfortunately, in the past few weeks, the pain days have returned...along with some new developments. Who knows if it's even related, but I've discovered my digestive system isn't what it used to be. It's as if each day I discover something else that doesn't agree with me. Namely - my dairy tolerance has about had it. Since most of you know me pretty well, you'll realize how much this bums me out. Hands down, my favorite food is cheese. Any and all kinds...I LOVE CHEESE. But as it turns out, maybe cheese doesn't love me back :(.

So today I escaped off to Panera to do some studying while eating the most delicious Chicken Cobb Salad, and sipping on a nice cup of tea...YUM! However, studying was hard to concentrate on because my knees and hips have been killing me lately...and even more, my shoulders seem to have it in for me. I gave up on the homework for a time, and instead did a little self research into the world of food. Haha. I read some articles pertaining to foods to eat more of, and those to avoid, if you suffer from symptom of fibromyalgia and fatigue. Boy was I surprised. Let's just look at my Cobb salad...

Lettuce - recommended against. Raw foods are apparently to be avoided. Guess that means Sushi too :(

Bacon - BAD. While protein is to be praised by people in my condition, pig products are horrible...mostly because of their salt content

Bleu Cheese - NOPE. Avoid dairy products. Bacteria, yeast...something like that.

Egg - One of the only good things in my salad. Healthy proteins.

Chicken - again, YAY! But only if it's not overly processed. Need to have organic and hand fed chicken/meats...preservatives do nasty things to your body...

And then, my tea... :(, apparently ANYTHING with caffeine is a big NO NO. How sad am I? The stimulants found in tea/coffee/sugar/sodas trigger pain receptors. And for some reason, most people find the "down" afterwards to be even worse than if they didn't consume the caffeine. This finding explained a lot. Around christmas time I resumed my daily 2 cups of coffee each morning. I guess that needs to change.

I found it ironic, sitting there, eating what I thought to be a healthy lunch for me...and realizing that it was all bad for my body in it's condition.

However, I did discover some crazy "yes's" that make me laugh :). Unfortunately, they'll probably cause me to put on some weight at the same time...

*Beans. Found several bloggers suggesting to eat just plain refried beans, or black beans...fiber, protein, and FAT that our bodies need. You better believe I can handle eating refried beans a couple nights a week :). Only, I want to have CHEESE on them!

*Potato Chips. While they suggest you find the chips with lower salt content...the fatty acids found in most potato chips and hydrogenated oils are apparently helpful :). WooHoo! Grama and her chip addiction have saved me!

*Soup. Low MSG soups and broths, of course.

Anyway, just a fun part of my day. So I picked up and left Panera, went to Albertsons and bought some new food items to get me through the week :). According to a couple of Dr.'s on WebMD, it really is a trial and error process for the individual. So I have decided to try out a few changes, to see if it helps. It is my goal to not be on medication for much longer :/, but with the way things are going, I'm not sure if that'll be an option...