Wow, I have really failed in keeping up on this thing. Honestly, I've wanted to write SOMETHING, but perhaps was afraid of just letting everything go. My world is spinning out of control, and I'm getting sick. It's in times like these that I must remember the lyrics of that Lifehouse song that inspired this blog so long ago...
We break, and we bend...
And we turn it inside out
To take it back, to the start
And through the rise and falling apart,
We discover who we are.
Today, I'm trying to focus mostly on "turning it inside out". Years ago, when I was working at a local church on the High School youth staff, our pastor changed our entire philosophy and vision for the ministry. The group was re-named "Inverted", and we began a journey learning and living about the inverted and backwards lifestyle that Jesus endorsed. As leaders and students, we took the messages of our world, and turned them inside out - discovering more of the abundant life that Christ had in mind all along. With that it mind, and also knowing the promise found in Romans 8:28, that He works all things together for the good of those who are found in Him...I'm taking it back. I'm claiming the current disasters and disappointments, turning them inside out, to allow them to be used by the Lord for His good.
On a small scale, my health is failing - again. This past week I found myself sick - again. This bout was far worse than any so far this year. Went to the doctor twice, and so far no firm answers. Apparently my lungs are constricted, and I'm only breathing in and out at 50% capacity for a person my age. Don't yet know the reason for this, but inhalers are now my constant companions. I'm patiently awaiting the results on several blood tests (I swear they took much more blood than was needed!), determining if there are undermining causes to my constant illnesses (i.e. Mono or Epstein Barr Virus, Thyroid failure, and others...). I don't know how to turn this one inside out quite yet, but have hope that something will come to me. Perhaps this is my pivotal point in life, where I change unhealthy habits or something...
A little more important, is the destruction of relationships. Through some tough moments and decisions, I've had to let go of some of the friendships in my life. There comes a time when one has to consider what is actually good and healthy for them. The letting go and cutting off has actually been agonizing, but I'm already seeing the inside out of my choices. I had let myself become so wrapped up with some people, that I had forgotten about some other important friends in my life. Now that I can see my mistakes, I can correct them. The Lord has blessed me throughout life with amazing companions for my journey, and I intend to try and return the blessing to them.
No more direction. How else can I put it? My life no longer has direction. I went back to school this semester with the intention of pursuing a BS in Communications, but hardly feel that pull any more. I used to be on a path of youth ministry, camp ministry...but that's been gone for a few years. I want to be a wife and a mom - but obviously, that's not where the Lord is taking me. I'm going to be 30 years old in a few months, and have no idea what to do with my life :). Honestly, this has been bringing me down for months now - perhaps years even. But with a recent turn of events, and the faith that one person has in my calling and passion for shepherding...I'm okay not having a single direction. I'm open, to do anything. And for the first time, I love that. For now, it could be ministering to college students, and maybe next year will find me moving to another state to accomplish some other thing. The good thing here...I'm not tied down anywhere, so am available for close to anything.
And, perhaps the largest disaster...the rape and murder of my friend's daughter, Chelsea. The entire ordeal has knocked over not only the King family, but myself, our co-workers, the community, and the nation. I still can't bring myself to put into words all that happened, the emotional and spiritual turmoil that this horror thrust me into. It's almost as if there is fear in putting words to it, because those words, no matter how thought out, could never fully describe what happened. There is still much healing to take place...but already, we are finding in Chelsea's death, a hope for a better future. A couple of weeks ago, in a tearful embrace with my zany boss, I shared with her a line from a loved Switchfoot song...that "The shadow proves the sunshine." We have dwelled in this shadow, and might remain there for a little while longer. But sunshine beckons. It calls to us from Chelsea's smile, and the millions of sunflowers we see posted in newspapers, on facebook, in gardens and throughout the community. Sunshine flows from Kelly and Brent, every time they consider how their beloved daughter is a change-maker, and her spirit is spreading across the nation. I wont lie, I loathe the shadow right now. But, I have to remember, that sometimes it does take a shadow to prove the sunshine...to remind us of it's existence...to fully appreciate and embrace its warmth.
So there it is. See I was afraid of this :). Maybe I need to get back to writing more often so that I don't have a ton of words in one sitting like this :).
