Tears and Fears

Tears are not foreign to my mother. For as long as I can remember, she's been quite the emotional being. When I was younger, I will admit that her tearful outbursts definitely embarrassed me...causing me to just assume that she was crazy :), and perhaps had too much estrogen or something floating through her system. However, as I've grown older, I've seen myself start to exhibit the same emotional characteristics. Whether I caught a glimpse of a touching Hallmark commercial, braved a tear jerker of a chick flick, heard an inspiring toast at a wedding, suffered a young heart break or was just plain drunk...the tears flowed. I was so ashamed of this "thing", that for the past 10+ years, I would not let most people see me cry. The emotions and tears were fought back with so much resolve, that I swear the muscles in my chest and my face are now suffering because of it! Here we are in 2010, and I think I've cried more this year than the rest of my life put together. The few and far between posts in the past months give just an inkling of the roller coaster I find myself on. But this post isn't about me, and my tears - although they are ever present, even as I sit down to write this. It's about my emotional mama :).

It was a Saturday afternoon, just last month, when my cell phone rang and the caller ID indicated it was one of my parents. I had no doubt in my mind that it was my mother :), calling most likely to check in, see how the week was, etc. But no, the purpose of the call was to let me know that my dad had taken her down to the ER in Fresno late Thursday evening. She was having some chest pains...but after keeping an eye on her for several hours, and doing all sorts of test, they had no conclusions. She was scheduled for a little stress test to occur on that following Monday. Mom was convinced that's all it was, just stress. Life's been full of it lately. Monday rolls around, and I'm out of control busy at work, and to be honest completely forgot about her scheduled appointment. It wasn't until after I was off of work, and walking to my car that I retrieved the message on my voicemail from my dad. Mom had failed her stress test about a minute and a half into it, the doctor intervened, admitted her to the hospital and scheduled an angiogram for the next morning. I was beside myself - what on earth was going on? My mother has never had problems with her lungs, heart or whatever else was in that region. Now, my mama is no stranger to doctors and hospitals either :), having undergone several procedures and surgeries since even before I was born...it's old hat to her by now. But I was worried about her, having to stay overnight in yet another hospital...most likely overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what was happening to her. Horribly enough, the stress I felt had taken it's toll on me as well, and I found myself vomiting most of the night :/. The next day I stayed home from work, slept as much as I possibly could...keeping the phone nearby and waiting for a phone call from my dad on the outcome of the angiogram. Waited and waited...and waited. Around 5:30 on that Tuesday, my brother comes by the house. Him and my grandmother walk into my room (where I am still in bed), and he tells us that he just got off the phone with my dad. The doctors were unable to do the angiogram because of some complications, and were therefore going to be unable to insert any stents to help with the blockage they had discovered in the main artery that brings blood back into the heart. They immediately switched gears and prepped her for open heart surgery that was to begin about 6:00.

For a moment it felt as if my own heart had stopped beating. THIS could not be happening. Not to my mama. There was no forewarning. We had no clue to even expect something like THIS. And then it hit me. I might actually lose my mom. Of all of the health issues that she's had to go through in her life, and the things we've come to expect from her, leave it to her to find her way out on an unexpected operating table. I had no words to say. I don't even quite remember what I was thinking. And there were no tears. I felt a little guilty for not crying as I watched my grandmother hit hysteric levels I'd never seen her visit before...but I've never been too good with this stuff. For most of my life, I've had to be strong for so many other people, that perhaps I've forgotten what it's like to be vulnerable. It was obvious with my brother as well. The two of us sat silently at the kitchen table for what seemed a lifetime...just waiting. Until he did the usual and cracked a joke about how I should feel guilty now about not giving my mother any grandchildren yet :). The atmosphere was lightened, but I knew we were both on edge and neither one of us wanted to show it. I suggested we watch a movie while we wait...so we did :). Talk about your coping strategies. Turns out we didn't have to wait long. The procedure was supposed to last a little over two hours, but was over with in just about an hour. Dad called, told us that everything went better than expected and they had been able to just do a single bypass to help with the blood flow. My heart started beating again, and I was able to breathe.

Days passed and we got reports of my ever-strong mother doing fantastically with her healing and her spirit. She's a tough gal, my mama. Due to circumstances, dad was going to bring her down here to stay with grandma and I for a few weeks. I was so glad. Not only had she gone through it all with flying colors, I was going to be able to spend time with her again...only this time with a different attitude than ever before. She was here with us for nearly two weeks, and she improved daily. Visits from friends and family lifted her spirits, and mine. Then, on the Thursday night before her and my grandma were to leave to go back up north, I was wakened by grandma around 11:00. My mom was having severe chest pains, worse than before, so she was taking her to the hospital. I was in such a daze that I didn't fully realize what was happening until about a half an hour after they left. Then I started to panic. It was happening again. Again. Maybe I'm morbid, but immediately my thoughts went to "what if this is how I lose my mama?" She was yet again admitted to the hospital and watched overnight. The only conclusion the doctors came to was that there was some fluid buildup from the surgery, and perhaps a small blood clot. She came home late the next day, a little worn and tired, but still her normal self.

On Sunday, my parents and grandma hopped in the car to head back up to my folk's place so that my mom could start having follow up appointments with the doctor up there. I spoke with her a few times during the week, and yet again...she was doing well. A little exhausted as she tried to go back to work at her store :), so my mother! Not only is she emotional, but she's also a control freak and likes to just be IN everything. Friday she was to go in for an appointment with her new cardiologist. She had no worries (although, she hadn't had any for the prior appointments either, and we see how they turned out...I should have been more prepared). Got a voicemail after work that the doctor didn't like what he saw in the EKG, so she was checked into the hospital overnight again, and they were going to officially do the original angiogram on Saturday morning. During all of this, I just had to wait. I had to keep myself from going overboard with my worries and thoughts, which was quite difficult. After the angiogram on Saturday morning, I spoke with my dad, and yet again, I could hear the intensity in his voice...there was more blockage in the arteries. The bypass didn't seem to be making that much of a difference, and the chest pains she had had the week prior were actually minor heart attacks. He put her on the phone so that I could tell her I love her...and for the first time in this whole ordeal, I heard my mama crying on the other end of the line.

These tears were different than any I'd ever encountered from her before. They were intensely filled with fear. And it was then that I just let my fears (and tears) take over as well. Afraid again of appearing vulnerable, I quickly got off the phone. Hours later she was transported via ambulance to another hospital in San Francisco (a 3 1/2 hour drive!), where she now waits for her angioplasty procedure scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Perhaps I'm not too young to consider the fact that one day I will no longer have my parents. But I don't want to even think about it. I mean, they're my parents. My mama and my daddy. The ones who've been there for it all, who have loved me no matter what, supported me in times of need and times of plenty, who taught me a lot of what I know, attributed much of their characters into the molding of mine...what will my world be like without them? I can't even imagine. I'm capsized with so much fear, and I don't know what to do with it.

2010 has taken it's toll once again. It may not be the end of the world as we know it, but the world I've known is coming to it's end.

A Day with Natalie...

Had a fun time with this precious little girl yesterday, doing her "6 month" photos...I can't believe how big she's getting and the personality she's developing! So wonderful! Here's just a small sample of the wonderful shots I was able to snap! Enjoy!

Ah, the sticking out of the tongue...apparently her new favorite thing to do for Auntie Lj!
Pushing up all by herself!
Yep, we put her in a basket :)
Towards the end of the afternoon, kiddo was getting a little tired of all the modeling...
Tongue again...:)
One of the first shots in the basket...I don't think she was too sure about this one...
Such a happy girl! Especially when mommy is clapping and dancing behind me! Natalie, I think I'd laugh at your mommy too if I could see what she was doing!
Cute little feet!
Again, towards the end of the day, baby was getting sleepy...

Perspective

Man. Two posts in one day :). Let's just say I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, and just need to get it out! Haha.

This one comes from a slightly disturbing dream I had the other night. I've debated whether or not to go into full detail of the dream, as it might take some back stories to fully understand :) so I will do my best to describe it to you. After many years of my crazy detailed dreams, I've learned to try and deduce why I have certain dreams...perhaps it was due to a conversation I had before I fell asleep, or a picture I came across. So this one, I am going to attribute the bulk of it to the many episodes of Friday Night Lights I've been watching these past few weeks!

Here we go. It starts out that I'm walking through Disneyland, and I run into a person I haven't seen in years, a friend of my ex's in central california. We do the normal conversation, and then he tells me that Andrew, my ex, is there at Disneyland too, and he's going to meet him. He insists I come too. All of the sudden, I'm carrying an infant in my arms, only it's not my child...but Andrew and his wife's. The friend and I were trying to find them to bring the kid back to them. This baby was just heavenly :). So cute, and happy. Anyway, then the scene changes from Disneyland to a high school football game. I'm walking with the infant through the stands, and I meet up with Andrew's wife, like we've been friends for years. I sit down with her, and we turn to the field. There he is, down there on the field, coaching the football game. He smiles up to us, and we both wave to him. Oddly enough, there is a big screen at this football game, and apparently they are honoring Andrew for something, so it's like they play this movie of his life. It goes through some early on scenes when he was growing up, playing football (which is hilarious because in reality, he didn't AT ALL), then there's all these scenes from our relationship. Some good times, laughter, smiling, him asking me to marry him...then it turns sour...heartbreak, he leaves me because I couldn't have a child with him. Then, a scene much like the one I'm sitting in...me in the stands and him on the field...I'm crying and decide to leave the stands. He sees me leave and tries to run after me. At that point in the dream I look down to Andrew on the field, and he's crying now, looking at me - and I just can't handle it anymore...I get up and leave. This time he doesn't run after me, but his wife does. And when she catches me, I explain to her how I'd never looked at things from his perspective. Then the dream ends.

You have to know that when I woke up, an hour and a half before my alarm, I just lied there, staring into space completely dumbfounded by it all. What in the world, why on earth am I dreaming about my ex? Still don't really understand that, but oh well. It wasn't real, but it sure felt real. And at that point I understood that something within me was kicking me in the pants, reminding me that sometimes we must consider perspective in our relationships.

So often, our situations are exactly that, our situations. We simply see things from our perspective, our point of view, how things affect us. Very rarely do we take the chance to step away and consider what the other person (or people) might be thinking, what has spurred their actions or words. In the dream, that Leanna was simply heartbroken that he would leave her. She never saw things from his perspective. And she definitely didn't see or know that when it all came to an end, he ran after her.

I said it before, and I'll repeat it, none of this was real :), and I'm not secretly pining for my ex. But how many other situations have I been in lately where I've refused to see things from another's point of view? And how many times have I tried and not been allowed to know what goes on in someone else's thoughts to lead to their actions? In all honesty, it's quite frustrating. There's a couple of relationships in trouble right now in my life, some involving me, some not...but in all of them I desire perspective. And more than just being able to be a witness, but to also understand. I'm going to keep trying. Keep my eyes open in hopes that something is gained. Because, really, I have to wonder how perhaps outcomes would change if we all were to step outside of ourselves and take perspective...

The Call

I realize that I myself have not written much lately...I just keep posting song lyrics :). Unfortunately, most of the thoughts I've been having, and the situations that are happening, I don't feel like writing about. The other day, however, I heard a song on my trusty little iPod that gave me some inspiration. I came across it last year about this time, right about the same time that the Forest Home 2009 summer staff would have been starting their orientation. If you know me, there is no doubting how much I value my time spent on staff at Forest Home, they were my glory years :), and maybe I long for them a little too much sometimes. Anyhow, this song made me think of the power of being a part of something like the community of ministers I found at Forest Home, and how it will always be an experience that brings us pure joy, and provides for us an anchor in our ever changing lives.

The Call by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Until they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

Being a part of the staff at Forest Home was like gravity to me. Perhaps that is why it's practically impossible for me to let it go. In my time spent there, I knew who was. And in that, I was being used to my fullest capacity in the best way possible for that creation. As I stand here, a few years later, I'm completely lost. There is no gravity giving me roots, connecting me to much of anything anymore.

Like in this song (which, perhaps you've heard it before in The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian), serving in youth and camp ministry can be likened to a battle. We do what we can in a grander scheme of a fight for the souls, minds and hearts of teenagers and their mentors who come to visit us. We fight not with weapons, but with love...and understanding...and listening...and experiences. We have a battle cry for sure, the unending love and mercy of our Lord. As fellow warriors, we became friends, and then brothers and sisters...and ultimately soul mates. It's amazing the ties that I have to some of the people I went off to war with in those years at Creekside. No matter time or distance, the bond never weakens. And if you're a Creeker reading this...you'll fully agree with the line that says "you'll come back, when they call you...no need to say goodbye." :).

It's hard to be without that gravity, I wont lie. But as I've been considering this, and the reality that returning to Forest Home is not in my near future for many reasons, I've been brought to the realization that I have to find a new gravity. Something else to ignite such a passion as Forest Home did. In a new season of life, as I'm on the brink of turning 30 years old, I need to know who I am now. So I'm watching, and waiting...for that feeling, which that turns into a hope, then a quiet thought...and then a quiet word. I'm ready for the new me and the new gravity...

Had Enough

Okay friends, another Lifehouse song :). Seriously, these guys write lyrics and melodies straight to my heart.

After being on an emotional yo yo for months...I've hit a turning point. I've had enough. I know that I'm worth more than what I've been getting lately. I'm ready for something amazing.

"Had Enough" by Lifehouse

Loneliness pacing up and down these hallways
Second guessing every thought
Mystified, just spinning around in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

I believe that love should be a reason
To give and get back in return
(To give and get back in return)
I wanna breathe in a new beginning
With someone who will wrap her arms around what's left of me

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

I'm tired of barely holding on
To something that's already gone
I'm tired of being one who's in this all alone

Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this

Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this

Need You Now...

So I've heard this song in the background of life lately...but never have even paid much attention to it. This past week I've removed the iPod from my car so that I am forced to listen to my radio, taking in some new music...and today for the first time experienced this song and it's so true lyrics...

Need You Now
by Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.


I'm so pathetic I can't even wait until a quarter after one...I want to call you now...but I'm pretty sure that I don't ever cross your mind...

Halfway Gone...

So here we are, June of 2010. Hard to believe isn't it? I remember when I was a kid and the school year just never went fast enough to bring us to summer, but then summer flew by in a flash. The adults in my life would always say things like "Time is flying by so fast" and in the midst of a dragging year I had no idea what they meant! Well, here I am...an adult myself and I can fully see their perspective! It's almost like how our summers used to be - only instead of the days being filled with outside play, vacations and sleepovers...we're consumed with our 9-5's, responsibilities, and just sleeping!!

I'm at a loss of words when I realize that 2010 is nearly halfway gone. I can remember back to this past New Year's Eve, celebrating with some friends up at my folk's place near Yosemite...my friend B and I declared that 2010 was going to be a much better year, because, let's be honest...2009 dealt us some hard blows. We had so much hope in this year, and here I stand, completely devastated by 2010 - and it's only halfway done.

In early March, B and I would say to each other in our hopeful tones "Things have to get better, because they can't get any worse!" And then we'd be blindsided by something worse. This repetition of hoping for the best and getting knocked down yet again has continued on...to a point where now, in June, we've decided we must stop tempting the Universe by saying things can't get any worse - because then of course they will!

I'm writing this blog, not just for me, but for B as well. Each day, we try to turn things around. We cry out to God seeking His peace and redemption...and to be perfectly honest - there has been a few days in which Joy comes. However, they are far outweighed by the days in which the worst consumes.

I'm scared to even hope, let alone ask, for the second half of 2010 to be turned around...but we need it.