Jacuzzi of Emotions

haha, that's what i feel like. i guess a more common way to put it is "a whirlpool of emotions", but jacuzzi is more like it. if you think of a jacuzzi, you realize it's something that is frequented by many different kinds...some that sit and stay for a while, others that just come in for a quick dip. and in that jacuzzi, sometimes the water gets hotter and hotter...causing either a soothing feeling, or discomfort.
anyways, perhaps i'm being too cryptic. so here it is, plain and simple. if you know me, you know there is always *something* going on. i just cant escape it. so here's ONE of the situations i'm dealing with at this moment. i suppose i'm writing about it because i don't know how to talk about it. i don't really have anyONE to talk to, but i just want someone to know.(haha, if anyone really ever reads this anyways!). this weekend, the man that i almost married is marrying someone else. it's not that i'm jealous, or heart broken...because i fully realize that him and i were not meant to be together. but just a short year and a half ago, things were serious, and we were planning a life together...it's hard to get a grasp that his forever is now different. and mine...well mine is still up in the air.
maybe that's what hurts the most. he's found someone, watching all of his dreams come true...and i'm still left here alone, wondering if this is my lot for the rest of my days here on earth. i mean, we're never promised that true romantic love of a lifetime, or guaranteed someone will commit themselves to us and slide a ring on our finger. having children is not a for certain, but a blessing above and beyond the norm. yet all my life, i've just assumed. haha, for most of my childhood i even assumed there was a "leanna jean wedding fund" that my parents contributed to on a constant basis :). i had a rude awakening when that dream was shattered!
all that to say, this is the kind of emotion that does both of the above mentioned things. it comes in for a quick dip, and leaves. most of the time. but sometimes it stays and festers...and unfortunately i know it will always be there. if you've read previous blogs, you'd know what this person was to me...not just a future husband, but someone who's involvement in my life changed me forever. he and our relationship will continue to be a frequent visitor to my jacuzzi of emotions...and i hate that. i wish i could approach this weekend as any other...instead it is welcomed with disappointment and tears.
there it is. if you see me this weekend, i might not want to talk about it. i just wanted someone to know...in case i'm distant, or trying to be overly happy :). THIS is what is really going on.

and i'm feeling...goooodddd...

"Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good..."

it's true. i'm doing alright. for the first time in a long time, circumstances in my life are okay. struggles haven't completely left, but i feel a sense of fresh air. in many areas. financially, emotionally, mentally, socially...

unfortunately, this is coming at a time when others are not so okay. i was talking to my dad on the phone last night and mentioned that i felt bad about my good fortune. for example: i had my review at work, and it went very well, got a raise. called my parents to tell them the good news, and after i was done, my mom revealed that my dad had lost his job and their store that they run was not doing so well. i felt awful. but my dad told me to not diminish my joy in this season. he knows a bit of what i've been through the past years, and said i needed a break in the storm to allow some sunshine :). okay, so he didn't say those words...i just made him a little more poetic in his meaning :)! i think what he said was more along the lines of "dont feel bad. we're old, we've had our good days. and now we're just getting ready to die."

HAHA. i know that sounds awful. but in the context of his 52nd birthday being that day...it was hilarious :).

but i just wanted to say this. to all of the people in my life facing trials of many kinds, you have a friend. i apologize in advance if i present a perma-grin to you...but know that yours is coming in due time. i've been through a refining fire in any way imaginable, and always have ears open to listen - as many of yours have been there for me in the past.

so keep on keepin' on my loves.

how PRIMARY is scripture?

so this winter i am participating in a class at my church, going through the book of Acts. its nice to finally have a solid reason to look forward to mondays :). not even joking when i say its one of the top three highlights of the week (the other two being home groups on thursday night, and well...saturday mornings when i dont have to set my alarm clock and wake up to go to work!).

last night we went over the passage in Acts 16-18, following Paul on his second missionary journey. at first we find him in thessolonica, where the jews cause a "riot" and throw him out. next Paul travels to berea, where he finds the bereans to be of "more noble character(than the thessalonians), testing the scriptures daily to see if what Paul said was true." (woohoo, go bereans. for those of you just tuning into my life, i attended a few years at Berean Bible College, in which our mission was to immitate the styles of those early bereans :)). the scriptures were definitely primary in the life of the bereans. some jews, some philosophical greeks...the bereans were great thinkers and that obviously was something that stood out to the writer of Acts.

our teacher challenged us with a question: how primary is scripture in your life? it was honest and valid, plain and simple. did we consider scripture first? or perhaps (like the wesleyean thought) we filtered our spiritual life through four areas: scripture, experience, tradition and thought. as is often the case, i wanted to have the right answer at that moment. but i was quite at a loss for my own answer.

being a christ follower for 12 years now, and being a minister of the Word for most of that time, scripture has definitely played a major role. but is it primary? truth be told, perhaps i agree more with wesley, and allow all four to work. my experiences that i've had with God and His Spirit have hugely (and will continue to do so) molded me into the being you know this very day. i cannot deny that. the traditions and histories that have been passed down through generations may evolve and adapt, but ultimately define what we, as a race of believers, come from. who would want to give less honor to that? and truth has been revealed throughout the ages, through great thinkers using the very gifts given them to reason. i see that all of the time.

i learned once (at berean bible college, go figure!), something about the revelation of truth. we have the privelage of standing at a place in history where we can look back far enough to see the process of the revelation of truth. God's ultimate truth, in all of it's facets, is entirely too much for the human mind, heart and soul to comprehend all at once. so throughout time, we see the revelation of that truth being dispersed. not only into different generations, but to different cultures, genders, and most importantly, through different tactics. in OT times, truth was given to generations of slaves and kings, through law and word, but also through spirit and experience. as time progressed, tradition played a key role in the revelation of God's truth...both in the thriving age of the roman catholic church, and also in it's regression. the greeks brought us into maybe our first "age of enlightenment" as humans, and more was discovered. and in that time, God showed more of His truth by pouring out His Spirit on all men and women who believed. from then on, there are so many more incidences where we know of God's involvement in the growth of His people. Martin Luther & King Henry VIII, brought the Church into new existence. More truth was revealed in the Great Awakenings, which started in England and then moved across the sea into a new world. A missional mindset was re-ignited as believers in different "denominations" began to seek truth for themselves. even now, we see the church "emerging" into something new, discovering new ways to live a christ centered life and being moved towards more truth.

whew. all that to say, God does what He wants, when He wants, to whom He wants, in the way He deems appropriate. We are His. at the disposal of His hands. and although i admire the bereans for their devotion to scripture, making it primary in their lives, i have to believe that the Lord would ask us to have openness to all of the above mentioned "filters". He's given each to us. why not take full advantage, and use them to their fullest ability?