Jacuzzi of Emotions

haha, that's what i feel like. i guess a more common way to put it is "a whirlpool of emotions", but jacuzzi is more like it. if you think of a jacuzzi, you realize it's something that is frequented by many different kinds...some that sit and stay for a while, others that just come in for a quick dip. and in that jacuzzi, sometimes the water gets hotter and hotter...causing either a soothing feeling, or discomfort.
anyways, perhaps i'm being too cryptic. so here it is, plain and simple. if you know me, you know there is always *something* going on. i just cant escape it. so here's ONE of the situations i'm dealing with at this moment. i suppose i'm writing about it because i don't know how to talk about it. i don't really have anyONE to talk to, but i just want someone to know.(haha, if anyone really ever reads this anyways!). this weekend, the man that i almost married is marrying someone else. it's not that i'm jealous, or heart broken...because i fully realize that him and i were not meant to be together. but just a short year and a half ago, things were serious, and we were planning a life together...it's hard to get a grasp that his forever is now different. and mine...well mine is still up in the air.
maybe that's what hurts the most. he's found someone, watching all of his dreams come true...and i'm still left here alone, wondering if this is my lot for the rest of my days here on earth. i mean, we're never promised that true romantic love of a lifetime, or guaranteed someone will commit themselves to us and slide a ring on our finger. having children is not a for certain, but a blessing above and beyond the norm. yet all my life, i've just assumed. haha, for most of my childhood i even assumed there was a "leanna jean wedding fund" that my parents contributed to on a constant basis :). i had a rude awakening when that dream was shattered!
all that to say, this is the kind of emotion that does both of the above mentioned things. it comes in for a quick dip, and leaves. most of the time. but sometimes it stays and festers...and unfortunately i know it will always be there. if you've read previous blogs, you'd know what this person was to me...not just a future husband, but someone who's involvement in my life changed me forever. he and our relationship will continue to be a frequent visitor to my jacuzzi of emotions...and i hate that. i wish i could approach this weekend as any other...instead it is welcomed with disappointment and tears.
there it is. if you see me this weekend, i might not want to talk about it. i just wanted someone to know...in case i'm distant, or trying to be overly happy :). THIS is what is really going on.