and so it is...

fibromyalgia. the official diagnosis from the doc. after doing my own research (by way of my brilliant friend AQ and her persistence), i had kind of assumed already that it was fibromyalgia i was dealing with. but anywho, i went to the doctor on wednesday morning, did the normal run through of symptom questions - and she was about to send me down to the lab to run some blood tests for rheumatoid factor. so i tell her that the on call doctor i saw just a few weeks ago had already done those tests and they came back normal...well turns out, he forgot to note these things in my chart. so dandy. so she did a pressure point test (which was pretty painful, might i add) and came to the conclusion of fibromyalgia.
i guess i'm glad to have an answer. i'm just hoping it's the right one. and really hoping that the current treatment regime will work. she's got me on cymbalta to numb the pain receptors in my body, and also a prescription strength anti inflamatory to help with pain throughout the day. so far i've taken two days of the medication and no change yet. however, i'm dealing extensively with a few of the side effects, and it's making me angry. dizziness and nausea. so annoying to feel disoriented and like you're going to vomit every 10 mins. the nausea comes in waves, so i told my co worker this morning that i have a slight understanding of what she feels like when she gets her waves of hot flashes :).
so that's where i'm at now. hopefully my body adjusts to this medication soon, and that i can start reaping the benefits...

let me go on...

so apparently i have more readers than i knew of :). thanks to all of you who have sent me words of love and encouragement these past few days. i can't help but feel the amazing blessing of the people that God has placed in my life...whether from seasons past or those present.

it is for you lovely people that i bring some updates...

test results FINALLY came back from the doctor. blood tests were normal, so Rheumatoid Arthritis is ruled out. Fibromyalgia is still on the table. i have another doctor's appt on the 17th, which hopefully will be a stepping stone on this journey of figuring out what the hell is going on with my body. on the down side, i'm discovering that the pain is getting more and more frequent, and moving to other parts of my body. the upside - it's not as severe in those other parts :) haha. my back and neck still seem to be primary, but now my legs, elbows and arms are suffering. it seems i can't go a single day without something hurting to the point of distraction and prevention of normal activities.

my job is kicking my butt. last week i met with the youth pastor at my church to discuss my spiritual "s.h.a.p.e." and wasn't surprised to find that i was designed for some sort of ministry and service to youth (and youth like beings :)). it can be such an incredible thing to see how perfectly God has designed you for specific reasons, yet devasting in the same moment when you realize you aren't living up to your potential in them. i know that working front desk at a dermatology office is NOT what i was made for. i just wish windows and doors would present themselves. for the time being, i'm stuck in a stressful and sometimes irritating job (which, i am convinced, is adding to my physical pain). i am grateful to have said job, however. it keeps my bills paid and provides health insurance in this great time of need. for that i am glad. but i need joy through my everyday happenings, and THIS is not bringing it.

there's been a few decisions i have made this past week, very hard ones, that have affected some of the paths i was treading. i have decided to step away from the intentional living community for the time being, for personal reasons. i hated making that decision - but know that it's for the best right now. peace has come because i know deep in my heart that in that "project" was truth and goodness, and godliness. it will happen, i have no doubt :), and one day i hope to return to it. there are other decisions as well, but that'll have to be another blog :), lj is exhausted after a busy monday.

also, to all those new and unknown readers out there, i'd love to know if you have a blog that i can follow as well. i'm making it a goal to keep updated on your lives :) so let me know where i can read about you!

what on earth...exactly.

i apologize in advance, but i haven't gotten around to those "happy emotions" i intended for this next blog. instead, stuff just keeps happening. i heard this song on my drive home today and it describes what i'm feeling/thinking almost exactly.

David Gray
My oh My...

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

i havent slept in days. my stomach is in constant turmoil. and i sigh nearly every two minutes or so - perhaps a reminder to breathe. i am ANXIOUSLY awaiting blood test results. i feel like the remainder of my life is hanging on a thread. not a serious one, but what comes from these results will affect me. now if the doctors would only call...
i've decided that it is foolish to have notions about people. these past few days have shown me that even that person you thought was the kindest soul can prove himself to be malicious. and the cynic is merely hinding a gentle spirit. and for me, i am the biggest fool out there. such a wonderful self realization to reach.
last night, while i was NOT sleeping, i came to the conclusion that i HATE this time of year. may 21-june 7(give or take a day or two). these few weeks have held nothing but heartbreaking times for me for the past 3 years. what on earth is going on...?