Tears and Fears

Tears are not foreign to my mother. For as long as I can remember, she's been quite the emotional being. When I was younger, I will admit that her tearful outbursts definitely embarrassed me...causing me to just assume that she was crazy :), and perhaps had too much estrogen or something floating through her system. However, as I've grown older, I've seen myself start to exhibit the same emotional characteristics. Whether I caught a glimpse of a touching Hallmark commercial, braved a tear jerker of a chick flick, heard an inspiring toast at a wedding, suffered a young heart break or was just plain drunk...the tears flowed. I was so ashamed of this "thing", that for the past 10+ years, I would not let most people see me cry. The emotions and tears were fought back with so much resolve, that I swear the muscles in my chest and my face are now suffering because of it! Here we are in 2010, and I think I've cried more this year than the rest of my life put together. The few and far between posts in the past months give just an inkling of the roller coaster I find myself on. But this post isn't about me, and my tears - although they are ever present, even as I sit down to write this. It's about my emotional mama :).

It was a Saturday afternoon, just last month, when my cell phone rang and the caller ID indicated it was one of my parents. I had no doubt in my mind that it was my mother :), calling most likely to check in, see how the week was, etc. But no, the purpose of the call was to let me know that my dad had taken her down to the ER in Fresno late Thursday evening. She was having some chest pains...but after keeping an eye on her for several hours, and doing all sorts of test, they had no conclusions. She was scheduled for a little stress test to occur on that following Monday. Mom was convinced that's all it was, just stress. Life's been full of it lately. Monday rolls around, and I'm out of control busy at work, and to be honest completely forgot about her scheduled appointment. It wasn't until after I was off of work, and walking to my car that I retrieved the message on my voicemail from my dad. Mom had failed her stress test about a minute and a half into it, the doctor intervened, admitted her to the hospital and scheduled an angiogram for the next morning. I was beside myself - what on earth was going on? My mother has never had problems with her lungs, heart or whatever else was in that region. Now, my mama is no stranger to doctors and hospitals either :), having undergone several procedures and surgeries since even before I was born...it's old hat to her by now. But I was worried about her, having to stay overnight in yet another hospital...most likely overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what was happening to her. Horribly enough, the stress I felt had taken it's toll on me as well, and I found myself vomiting most of the night :/. The next day I stayed home from work, slept as much as I possibly could...keeping the phone nearby and waiting for a phone call from my dad on the outcome of the angiogram. Waited and waited...and waited. Around 5:30 on that Tuesday, my brother comes by the house. Him and my grandmother walk into my room (where I am still in bed), and he tells us that he just got off the phone with my dad. The doctors were unable to do the angiogram because of some complications, and were therefore going to be unable to insert any stents to help with the blockage they had discovered in the main artery that brings blood back into the heart. They immediately switched gears and prepped her for open heart surgery that was to begin about 6:00.

For a moment it felt as if my own heart had stopped beating. THIS could not be happening. Not to my mama. There was no forewarning. We had no clue to even expect something like THIS. And then it hit me. I might actually lose my mom. Of all of the health issues that she's had to go through in her life, and the things we've come to expect from her, leave it to her to find her way out on an unexpected operating table. I had no words to say. I don't even quite remember what I was thinking. And there were no tears. I felt a little guilty for not crying as I watched my grandmother hit hysteric levels I'd never seen her visit before...but I've never been too good with this stuff. For most of my life, I've had to be strong for so many other people, that perhaps I've forgotten what it's like to be vulnerable. It was obvious with my brother as well. The two of us sat silently at the kitchen table for what seemed a lifetime...just waiting. Until he did the usual and cracked a joke about how I should feel guilty now about not giving my mother any grandchildren yet :). The atmosphere was lightened, but I knew we were both on edge and neither one of us wanted to show it. I suggested we watch a movie while we wait...so we did :). Talk about your coping strategies. Turns out we didn't have to wait long. The procedure was supposed to last a little over two hours, but was over with in just about an hour. Dad called, told us that everything went better than expected and they had been able to just do a single bypass to help with the blood flow. My heart started beating again, and I was able to breathe.

Days passed and we got reports of my ever-strong mother doing fantastically with her healing and her spirit. She's a tough gal, my mama. Due to circumstances, dad was going to bring her down here to stay with grandma and I for a few weeks. I was so glad. Not only had she gone through it all with flying colors, I was going to be able to spend time with her again...only this time with a different attitude than ever before. She was here with us for nearly two weeks, and she improved daily. Visits from friends and family lifted her spirits, and mine. Then, on the Thursday night before her and my grandma were to leave to go back up north, I was wakened by grandma around 11:00. My mom was having severe chest pains, worse than before, so she was taking her to the hospital. I was in such a daze that I didn't fully realize what was happening until about a half an hour after they left. Then I started to panic. It was happening again. Again. Maybe I'm morbid, but immediately my thoughts went to "what if this is how I lose my mama?" She was yet again admitted to the hospital and watched overnight. The only conclusion the doctors came to was that there was some fluid buildup from the surgery, and perhaps a small blood clot. She came home late the next day, a little worn and tired, but still her normal self.

On Sunday, my parents and grandma hopped in the car to head back up to my folk's place so that my mom could start having follow up appointments with the doctor up there. I spoke with her a few times during the week, and yet again...she was doing well. A little exhausted as she tried to go back to work at her store :), so my mother! Not only is she emotional, but she's also a control freak and likes to just be IN everything. Friday she was to go in for an appointment with her new cardiologist. She had no worries (although, she hadn't had any for the prior appointments either, and we see how they turned out...I should have been more prepared). Got a voicemail after work that the doctor didn't like what he saw in the EKG, so she was checked into the hospital overnight again, and they were going to officially do the original angiogram on Saturday morning. During all of this, I just had to wait. I had to keep myself from going overboard with my worries and thoughts, which was quite difficult. After the angiogram on Saturday morning, I spoke with my dad, and yet again, I could hear the intensity in his voice...there was more blockage in the arteries. The bypass didn't seem to be making that much of a difference, and the chest pains she had had the week prior were actually minor heart attacks. He put her on the phone so that I could tell her I love her...and for the first time in this whole ordeal, I heard my mama crying on the other end of the line.

These tears were different than any I'd ever encountered from her before. They were intensely filled with fear. And it was then that I just let my fears (and tears) take over as well. Afraid again of appearing vulnerable, I quickly got off the phone. Hours later she was transported via ambulance to another hospital in San Francisco (a 3 1/2 hour drive!), where she now waits for her angioplasty procedure scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Perhaps I'm not too young to consider the fact that one day I will no longer have my parents. But I don't want to even think about it. I mean, they're my parents. My mama and my daddy. The ones who've been there for it all, who have loved me no matter what, supported me in times of need and times of plenty, who taught me a lot of what I know, attributed much of their characters into the molding of mine...what will my world be like without them? I can't even imagine. I'm capsized with so much fear, and I don't know what to do with it.

2010 has taken it's toll once again. It may not be the end of the world as we know it, but the world I've known is coming to it's end.