Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Keep Holding On...
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Boy
Little by little I will get this thing up to speed :). So here's a fun tidbit for you about the boy...friend...er...man...whatever...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
it's been a long time...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Tears and Fears
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Day with Natalie...
Pushing up all by herself!
Yep, we put her in a basket :)
Towards the end of the afternoon, kiddo was getting a little tired of all the modeling...
Tongue again...:)
One of the first shots in the basket...I don't think she was too sure about this one...
Such a happy girl! Especially when mommy is clapping and dancing behind me! Natalie, I think I'd laugh at your mommy too if I could see what she was doing!
Cute little feet!
Again, towards the end of the day, baby was getting sleepy...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Perspective
The Call
I realize that I myself have not written much lately...I just keep posting song lyrics :). Unfortunately, most of the thoughts I've been having, and the situations that are happening, I don't feel like writing about. The other day, however, I heard a song on my trusty little iPod that gave me some inspiration. I came across it last year about this time, right about the same time that the Forest Home 2009 summer staff would have been starting their orientation. If you know me, there is no doubting how much I value my time spent on staff at Forest Home, they were my glory years :), and maybe I long for them a little too much sometimes. Anyhow, this song made me think of the power of being a part of something like the community of ministers I found at Forest Home, and how it will always be an experience that brings us pure joy, and provides for us an anchor in our ever changing lives.
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Until they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Had Enough
Second guessing every thought
Mystified, just spinning around in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say
Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this
I believe that love should be a reason
To give and get back in return
(To give and get back in return)
I wanna breathe in a new beginning
With someone who will wrap her arms around what's left of me
Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this
I'm tired of barely holding on
To something that's already gone
I'm tired of being one who's in this all alone
Every time I reach for you
There's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss
I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through
The light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is
I've had enough, had enough of this
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Need You Now...
Need You Now
by Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
I'm so pathetic I can't even wait until a quarter after one...I want to call you now...but I'm pretty sure that I don't ever cross your mind...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Halfway Gone...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Photo Booth Fun!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Taking it back...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
The Day that True Love Died
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only Son just to save us
The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
Tears were filling heavens eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died
Search your hearts you know you can't deny it
Lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us
Jesus is alive
He rose again
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
this cannot be happening...
My whole world has been turned upside down this past week. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to write about all that has happened. It would be no surprise to me that you all are aware already. On Thursday night I received a call from a friend, telling me that our friend and co-workers teenage daughter was missing. She had gone out for a run after school, and hadn't returned. Search and Rescue teams began late that night, scouring the park that she had been running in. For the next five days, a massive community effort - and stretching throughout the country - to find Chelsea King took place. And despite our efforts, our prayers and our pleas, her body was found buried just yesterday afternoon - in a shallow grave 100 yards off of the running trail. A man has been arrested and is being charged with rape and murder. But it still doesn't bring this amazing daughter back to her parents, and a loving sister into the arms of a little brother. Perhaps in a few weeks I will be able to write more about it. In all my life, I've never faced anything so difficult as the situations I found myself in these past few days. Everyone depends on me to be strong, to know what to do, to have wisdom and answers. But all I've needed is to have someone wrap their arms around me, to let me just cry and mourn, and maybe to lie to me - calming me with words that it will be alright. Instead, it's been necessary to remain strong, to do what needs to be done, and to put off emotions for a later time.
I'm adding an iTunes song in here tonight, that I've often connected with...and even more so tonight. Even with the shock of the unbelievable, and the constant immersion in this situation...it still doesn't feel real. This cannot be happening...
Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse
i can't be losing sleep over this
no, i can't
and i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
and i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing
'cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening
this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy
'cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm sowehere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
would you catch me if i fall
out of what i fell in
don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again
i don't want to run away from this
i know that i just don't need this
'cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening
'cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
Monday, February 22, 2010
iTunes Shuffle-Sleeping to Dream
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.
And as I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What, what a beautiful sight
[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere
I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere
And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep
[Repeat Chorus]
It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Behind the Scenes
Monday, February 15, 2010
Perfectly Explained
Re: life with NEID’s (Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders) - FM and CFS (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).
I am going to start off with an apology to you – I am sorry. I realize it may be hard for you to understand why things are so different for me now. I know I look the same, and talk the same, but these days I am waging an internal battle that affects all areas of my life ... physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
You cannot see it - you just see me and on the outside I don’t appear to have changed. At first I tried my best to hide it from you. It is the reason I cancel lunches at the last minute or cannot attend functions I promised to go to, or why I leave events early. It is the reason I do not talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, as much as I used to. Don’t take it personally – it’s not you, it’s not anything you have done, please don’t be offended.
There are many things I no longer do, people I do not see, and places I no longer visit. You see - these days I struggle just doing everyday things like cleaning, cooking, reading, working, driving, shopping and all the little things in between ... all those day to day things we all take for granted.
Some days this illness takes all that I have and then it decides to take more. I can be fine one day ... and the next it hits me from nowhere. If you see me out and about and I look well - then that’s wonderful and a great day for me! Celebrate with me, but believe me when I say I’m not faking it when the following day I am too ill to get out of bed.
Every day it takes my all just to get up and out of bed, and some days I am not even able to achieve that. The pain, the stiffness, the fatigue - is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like this for a day, sometimes two, sometimes weeks on end. I am always tired and in pain, both of these are now my constant companions - it’s just the severity and intensity that changes.
I may be tired but I cannot sleep. If and when I do sleep it’s either not for long or it’s all I can do - until I wake myself up crying out in pain. The only place I hurry to these days is the bathroom as often “need” comes on both urgently and unexpectedly. I always have a headache; my stomach always hurts; my bones always ache and my joints are always on fire. My muscles burn, tingle, cramp and twitch. I am tender and sore all over. I’m sorry but sometimes a well meaning hug will actually hurt not help.
Both my body and my brain have shut down. My internal thermostat is broken - I experience chilling shakes and soaking sweats. I have unrelenting brain fog – it’s called “Fibro Fog”. My short term memory is shot ... I am both forgetful and clumsy these days. I don’t move very fast these days. If you get stuck walking behind me – please be patient. I’m extremely sensitive to all sorts of things (MCS) – bright lights, loud noises, chemicals, smells, foods … the list goes on (and can change daily). I am depressed, anxious and I no longer cope with stress – in fact it can leave me incapacitated and is a major “Fibro-Flare” trigger.
To confirm what I have my doctors run every test imaginable to ensure they are all “clear” in order to make a positive diagnosis of FM/CFS … So this, I wonder, is how it feels not to have anything wrong with me? Amazing! As yet there is no clear diagnostic tool for this; and no cure – no-one really has much idea about it at all. To date, all that is known is that it may be caused by a retrovirus (XMRV) which alters our DNA and plays havoc with our immune systems, and there is no cure.
So this is my life with FM/CFS. I cannot change it, ignore it or wish it away. I have no choice – I’m just learning how to live with it, understand it and accept it. I am not asking for your pity, I don’t want you to feel “sorry for me” – I just wanted to help you understand this illness a bit better. Thanks for reading.
Now I am hoping you may be able to help me by raising awareness and educating others about these invisible illnesses. To assist you following are some details and helpful links that you might like to view.
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are part of a group of illnesses called “Neuro Endocrine Immune Disorders” (NEID’s) including: chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), fibromyalgia (FM), Gulf War syndrome/illness (GWS/GWI), multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), environmental illness (EI), chronic Lyme disease, Alzheimer's, and autism.
CFS/ME and FMS are invisible diseases, largely unseen and unrecognised, despite the fact that they are far more prevalent than multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy combined. With those that suffer severely these illnesses are more debilitating than congestive heart failure or the late stages of AIDS. I cannot begin to describe the pain I experience. Child birth, gallstones or kidney stones are “walks in the park” in comparison.
It is estimated that as many as 10% of the population may suffer to some degree with CFS and/or FM but due to difficulty in effective diagnosis this cannot be confirmed. At least 5% is confirmed – that is 1 in 20 people so chances are you know some-one, other than me, with this/these illnesses!
While not “fatal” or “physically deforming”, it is estimated that our lifespan may be shortened by up to 25 years, due to either related or linked illnesses, complications, or suicide. Many sufferers are completely bedridden. For the moment, I struggle to maintain working and have had to cut back to part time work.
There are numerous websites and other online communities relating to these illnesses, without which, due to the isolation and lack of awareness, research and knowledge of our illness, many of us could not survive. Some particularly useful links include:
P.A.N.D.O.R.A. Inc - http://www.pandoranet.info
CFIDS Assoc.of America - http://www.cfids.org/
Fibroduck – http://www.fibroduck.com
CFIDS and Fibromyaglia Self Help Site - http://www.cfidsselfhelp.o
Again, thank you for your time, thank you for reading and thank you for helping me to raise Awareness.
Feel free to copy cut and paste as best suits your own needs.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
iTunes Shuffle - Simply Amazed
Monday, February 8, 2010
Fibro Update
Saturday, February 6, 2010
iTunes Shuffle - Gunning Down Romance
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true
I really do
I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
Love don't leave me
Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
iTunes Shuffle - I Grieve
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play
When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire
And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall
Bridge:
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings
When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home
i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on
the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this
i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on
life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on
it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on
did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
iTunes Shuffle - Haven't Met You Yet
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,
And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.
Mmmmm ....
I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....
Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.
They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united
Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out...
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.