Be Not Afraid...

Happy Christmas Eve my dear friends...

Although, I have to admit, I've been less in the Christmas spirit this year than ever before. I'm not quite sure why - but am thinking it has had something to do with the overwhelming busyness of my life lately. It's just hard to comprehend that it is yet another Christmas season, and yet another year coming to an end.

Today I woke up early to go to work (which wasn't too bad...just like another day), then had the privilege of attending two different church services for the special occasion. The first one was at my home church, a lovely time of moving from "Merry Christmas" to "Oh Holy Night", from being overjoyed by the arrival of a baby to worshipping my King. The music, the word and the family was, as usual - incredible. Later on in the evening I attended my grandmother's church with a few other family members for their traditional service. I was a bit skeptical about this - but ended up being moved like I haven't in ages. The pastor explored a little about that opening line of the Angels to the shepherds..."Do not be afraid...". God wants to speak to us, to be with us, and we shouldn't be fearful of that - because it's GREAT news that He offers. It was definitely a time of contemplation for me (and I'm sure you'll see future blogs reflecting that as we enter into a new year...hopefully one where I practice daily my hope in "FEAR NOT").

But perhaps the part that touched me the most was a verse from a carol we sang...

O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light;
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

It made me realize that because of tonight, because of an all-powerful and all-loving God arriving in the precious form of a little baby...

darkness has no power...

Light shines on our world forever...

my hopes throughout the years are held in Him alone...

and my fears are stilled...

because of a tiny baby.

You know what I call that? Peace.

*and speaking of babies, any moment now another precious gift will be entering our world :). My friend Maggie went into labor about 6:30 tonight, and soon...baby girl Natalie will be gracing us with her presence. Two very amazing gifts if you ask me...*

Please just be my darling...

Driving home from work last night, I was struck by some lyrics in one of the songs coming forth through my iPod. It's the chorus from Kate Walsh's "Bury My Head", which says...

"Why can't you be different from the rest?

Oh won't you surprise me instead?

I've had it up to here,

Please just be my darling, my dear..."

I may be wrong, but to me this is the cry of hope from most every single woman out there. Obviously, I was thinking about this on more of a personal level, but I've been proved that it's a pretty universal feeling. I thought about all of the failed relationships I've had in the past several years, and unfortunately all of the less than stellar men I've gotten myself involved with. And with each new "possibility", it is these thoughts that bring me hope. That maybe THIS one will be different than the rest...the track record shows that my hope is in vain. Because there has yet to be one that is different than the others. And I have had it up to here.

A girl has to wonder if perhaps there isn't ONE out there that is different from the rest. Maybe they ALL are the same insensitive fools. I realize that perfection isn't attainable (in myself and in a future husband), and have never claimed to be searching for it. But it seems that in the universal collection of eligible men out there, they all are stagnant pieces at the bottom of a pond - simply growing algae and scum. (Sorry, that was a bit much, but you get the point). In the beginning, they make you believe that, in fact, they are different from the others you've come across. A charming prince, a caring protector, an infatuated admirer. But time definitely does reveal the scum...leaving us ladies scarred to our core and alone - again.

But maybe, it's just that I've set my standards too high. That instead of looking for a "warrior poet" (as a friend recently described), I should just expect the worse from the men I come into relationship with. That perspective would at least save me from the inevitable disappointment.

Mind you, this is all going through my head in the 7 minute drive from my work to my home :).

A few hours later, I received a heartbreaking phone call from one of my girl friends - one I consider in a sisterly capacity, holding her heart inside of mine for over 10 years. The guy she was seeing had ended things, citing that there was no "romantic attraction" to her. I had to do everything in my power to not drive over to his house and share with him a piece of my uncensored mind (and/or fist). First of all, MEN...don't start a relationship with one of us fragile women unless there is a romantic attraction. Second of all, please don't steal away our physical attentions unless you have the intention to actually respect and care for them (in layman's terms - don't kiss and make out unless you can back it up with the romantic passion that those things were made for). And lastly, be smarter in your endeavors. Unfortunately, this same boy-scum is one that caused myself a heartbreak earlier in the year - and I cannot believe that he's making the same mistakes.

In all of this emotion last night, I found myself driving - again. I just cried to myself. And declared out loud to a Lord whom I know to be a provider and a comforter, "Please, God, prove me wrong. Show me that there is one worthy - one that is different. I just want that darling...that dear."

Not wanting to sound desperate, I truly mean it. God, Universe, Man - prove me wrong. Restore my hope that I'm not waiting in vain...otherwise - I best just give up now and save myself the trouble.

And while I'm at it...I just want to say to the "men" that might be reading... Be men. Not boys. And don't treat us ladies as insignificant toys to mess with and throw out as you please. But remember, that even though we try to present ourselves with strength and confidence, most of the time we're easily broken...we shatter just like glass. Be our protectors, our caregivers, our support and strength. Offer to us meaningful companionship instead of momentary relations. Don't be afraid of honesty, practice integrity. Give us reason to trust you. Stop acting so foolish. Let us love you as we should. Without condition - and spare us from having any conditions to NOT love you as we could.

These are a few of my favorite things...

In the midst of this holiday season, I have been reminded over and over again just how much I love the people in my life. I consider myself overly blessed by the random assortment of friends and family that have been added to my life over the years, and continue to be involved. My favorite part is that, even if we haven't seen each other in a long while, upon getting together once again...it is as if no time as passed. Seriously, if I had not love in my life, I would be nothing...

"You wanna hear something funny?"

Ah...so here it is, my funny story for the day.

This morning I didn't have to be at work until 9, so I decided to venture over to Starbucks to get a most comforting grande vanilla chai latter, no water :). I order my drink, and the barista taking my order (a younger guy, probably about my age) asks for my name. I tell him "Leanna" (duh.) Apparently he thought I said "Leia", so he starts spelling it out loud, I guess wanting me to correct him if it was wrong...which it most obviously was. Naturally, I interrupt and give him the correct spelling - with a smile of course - I'm not a grouch :). He starts cracking up, and here's the tidbit of conversation that followed:

Barista Man: OH! I'm so sorry, I thought you said LEIA, like the princess! (he smiles at me)

Leanna: Oh no, definitely not a princess...

Barista Man: No gold bikini laying around at home? (and then...he winks...)

Leanna: Not at all (and I walk away).

Now, here's why I walked away from Starbucks trying not to laugh hysterically...it became so obvious to me just how much men differ from women. Just consider that word..."princess", and each gender conjures up different images, thoughts and notions.

Women will generally go the route of a fairytale maiden, most often in distress needing to be rescued by the rarely speaking prince charming. Or, perhaps it's negative, causing us to think of spoiled little brats whose parents refer to them as princesses to appease them.

But men, men on the other hand apparently jump right into a physical fantasy world involving intergalactic battles and a half naked chained up "princess" in need of rescuing.

Ha. No wonder we have such a hard time meeting on the same plane...

I want a hippopotamus for christmas...

And only a hippopotamus will do...

So it's begun, Christmas Song Season. While driving home from work today, I switched my iPod's playlist onto my lovely Christmas mix and just tried to get into it. Some of you may have never heard the hippopotamus song, but it is one of my favorites - simply because of it's obscurity! I mean, what little girl asks Santa for a hippo to be under her tree on Christmas morning? :).

Following in the obscurity of what we ask Santa for...it's my turn.

I want a boyfriend for Christmas...and only a boyfriend will do...

You may think I'm kidding, but then again, perhaps you KNOW that I'm completely serious. In light of some recent progressions in my life, I've discovered that I'm ready. Ready to just dive into a great romance, a life altering companionship, and an ever growing relationship with the man that God has out there somewhere for me. And what better time than Christmas to get this all started?

So "Santa" of the Universe, if you are reading...I don't necessarily need that man under my tree on Christmas morning :), any day now would be lovely...and you can wrap him in a cozy green sweatshirt (this way I know its HIM :)), which I will no doubtedly "borrow" from him indefinitely...

A little more hand holding...

To prove my point even more, tonight I ate chinese food for dinner...(yum!), and here's the "fortune" I received:

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.

HA. What are the odds that I get THIS tiny slip of paper in a tasty little cookie tonight?

I want to hold your hand...

Last night I was reading a book in which I was given a most beautiful image. "The two left the house wandering forward with woven hands." (At Home Across The Sea by Ben Mester). The mere thought of those "woven hands" made my heart flutter. I was struck by the idea that something so simple could be so intimate. Our culture, pressed in on every side by the messages we receive from television, films, music and other sorts of media, has discounted this pure form of intimacy and replaced it with filth. For young couples in our society, it is not merely enough to express one's feelings in such a beautiful way as holding each others hands. Instead, we are made to believe that true intimacy comes from a kiss, or offering oneself to another through sex. The more I thought about it, I wanted to explore more about this wonderful act of intimacy.

I remember when I was in junior high, 7th grade I think. I was "going out" with someone (if you could even call it that). At lunch, or during breaks, we would stand with our group of friends in the hall, holding hands. But I hated it. It always felt like he was simply holding my hand as a statement to the others around us. It was a claim, that I was his. Ugh. Oddly enough, after this particular dating experience, I didn't date again until I was 20 years old. This, was an entirely different story. There was an air of mystery, a couple of months in which we guessed if the other person was interested. Once we had told one another of our feelings, I think both of us then were pretty nervous. I remember we had gone to a grocery store together, and walking from the car, I just dove right in! I swooped behind him, and gently put my hand in his, which was swaying lightly by his side. He looked down at me, and smiled. Of course I smiled back. He told me later that he had wanted to do that for weeks, but didn't know if I'd appreciate it. Ha. Our relationship was a slow moving one, and that was perfectly fine. We were content in just having a close touch now and again. In contrast to my junior high "boyfriend" simply parading me around, when Eric held my hand, I knew it was because of the affection he had for me. I felt safe, admired, and wanted. It was so powerful. Since then, I've unfortunately forgotten that power. I've fallen victim to what our society claims is true intimacy.

I caught myself doing something a few weeks ago, and I know for certain it wasn't the first time I've ever done it. I was sitting at a movie with a guy friend of mine(perhaps I wanted him to be more than a friend...), and I put my hand out flat on my thigh closest to where he was sitting. Apparently I was hoping that he'd get the clue and just hold my hand. The horrible truth here, he isn't the one that I genuinely want to be holding my hand. The more and more I contemplate this, I realize just how intimate hand holding is...and still how much more I look forward to it in a right situation.

The image in the book I was reading last night was such a lovely description, using the word "woven". Dictionary.com defines "to weave" as: to form by combining various elements or details into a connected whole.

If you ask me, this is the perfect image of true relationship. This is what I want the next time someone is to hold my hand. To take two elements to make one whole...

Perhaps a purpose behind writing this blog...to encourage my friends to never forget the intimacy in simplicity...to move away from the expectations the world has set out for us in our relationships.

For those of you who might have forgotten the way to this simplicity...here's something I came across on WikiHow...enjoy.

Steps

1. Find someone to hold hands with (girlfriend/boyfriend).
2. Visualize how it will feel. If you are nervous, think of how good it will feel if the other person holds back.
3. Take a hold of the other person's hand. While sitting, standing or walking next to that person, grasp his or her hand and lightly squeeze.
4. Wait for a return squeeze. If they squeeze back, most times, they enjoy your company and don't mind you holding their hand.
5. Use a hand-holding method. There are two approaches to hold another person's hand.
   
   
   • You can just grasp their hand and hold it (easy to achieve, but harder to stay held on longer)
   • Interlock fingers, which sometimes takes some work, but because the other person is holding on too, you can stay holding hands longer. Most times, it's better if you just start off with doing the first example until you are sure that the other person is okay with holding hands and will hold on.
6. If you're absolutely sure that the person you held hands with is enjoying your company, look at him or her straight in the eyes and smile subtly. Then, show them that you really like them, by squeezing harder.

Tips

• Most times, the simple grasp of the hand will do but a more "intimate" way to hold hands is the interlocking finger grasp.
• With very young kids, offer them your finger for them to grasp their tiny hand around.
• If you can feel your hand starting to sweat, let go of his or her hand and hold his or her other hand.
• For hot days, consider linking pinkies instead so you get that intimate connection without those pesky sweaty palms.
• Smile a lot. Girls and guys love to see a lovely smile.
• Try not to hold hands with someone you like when you are freezing, because cold hands can be a majorturn-off.
• Use the "my hands are so cold" line if you have the problem above. It will give you more of a reason to hold their hand.
• If you and the other person have already had some experience holding hands together, it's a good idea to keep repeating the process and letting each other know when you want to have your hand held.
• You can also ask her whether you can hold her hands or not (it works in real relationships).
• Make sure to keep your hands soft. Apply a hand lotion daily, but not right before holding hands because it can often come off as clammy or cold.
• You can also try the finger trick which I found out. Though this only works if you are sitting down like on a couch or in a movie. Put your finger away from the arm rest if the chair has one. Make sure your whole hand is under. If your partner is too nervous (confused)just try and move your hand or finger next to them. Make sure they touch and then soon your partner will get the idea and hold your hand for real.
• If he/she is nervous, try to bring it up in conversation. If they want to, then they'll take the initiative and grab your hand! If you are nervous, then try touching their arm lightly, and slowly progress to holding hands.
• (For girls) In the theater, let your hand drop over to his side on the armrest. He'll notice and get the hint that you want it held.

and so it is...

fibromyalgia. the official diagnosis from the doc. after doing my own research (by way of my brilliant friend AQ and her persistence), i had kind of assumed already that it was fibromyalgia i was dealing with. but anywho, i went to the doctor on wednesday morning, did the normal run through of symptom questions - and she was about to send me down to the lab to run some blood tests for rheumatoid factor. so i tell her that the on call doctor i saw just a few weeks ago had already done those tests and they came back normal...well turns out, he forgot to note these things in my chart. so dandy. so she did a pressure point test (which was pretty painful, might i add) and came to the conclusion of fibromyalgia.
i guess i'm glad to have an answer. i'm just hoping it's the right one. and really hoping that the current treatment regime will work. she's got me on cymbalta to numb the pain receptors in my body, and also a prescription strength anti inflamatory to help with pain throughout the day. so far i've taken two days of the medication and no change yet. however, i'm dealing extensively with a few of the side effects, and it's making me angry. dizziness and nausea. so annoying to feel disoriented and like you're going to vomit every 10 mins. the nausea comes in waves, so i told my co worker this morning that i have a slight understanding of what she feels like when she gets her waves of hot flashes :).
so that's where i'm at now. hopefully my body adjusts to this medication soon, and that i can start reaping the benefits...

let me go on...

so apparently i have more readers than i knew of :). thanks to all of you who have sent me words of love and encouragement these past few days. i can't help but feel the amazing blessing of the people that God has placed in my life...whether from seasons past or those present.

it is for you lovely people that i bring some updates...

test results FINALLY came back from the doctor. blood tests were normal, so Rheumatoid Arthritis is ruled out. Fibromyalgia is still on the table. i have another doctor's appt on the 17th, which hopefully will be a stepping stone on this journey of figuring out what the hell is going on with my body. on the down side, i'm discovering that the pain is getting more and more frequent, and moving to other parts of my body. the upside - it's not as severe in those other parts :) haha. my back and neck still seem to be primary, but now my legs, elbows and arms are suffering. it seems i can't go a single day without something hurting to the point of distraction and prevention of normal activities.

my job is kicking my butt. last week i met with the youth pastor at my church to discuss my spiritual "s.h.a.p.e." and wasn't surprised to find that i was designed for some sort of ministry and service to youth (and youth like beings :)). it can be such an incredible thing to see how perfectly God has designed you for specific reasons, yet devasting in the same moment when you realize you aren't living up to your potential in them. i know that working front desk at a dermatology office is NOT what i was made for. i just wish windows and doors would present themselves. for the time being, i'm stuck in a stressful and sometimes irritating job (which, i am convinced, is adding to my physical pain). i am grateful to have said job, however. it keeps my bills paid and provides health insurance in this great time of need. for that i am glad. but i need joy through my everyday happenings, and THIS is not bringing it.

there's been a few decisions i have made this past week, very hard ones, that have affected some of the paths i was treading. i have decided to step away from the intentional living community for the time being, for personal reasons. i hated making that decision - but know that it's for the best right now. peace has come because i know deep in my heart that in that "project" was truth and goodness, and godliness. it will happen, i have no doubt :), and one day i hope to return to it. there are other decisions as well, but that'll have to be another blog :), lj is exhausted after a busy monday.

also, to all those new and unknown readers out there, i'd love to know if you have a blog that i can follow as well. i'm making it a goal to keep updated on your lives :) so let me know where i can read about you!

what on earth...exactly.

i apologize in advance, but i haven't gotten around to those "happy emotions" i intended for this next blog. instead, stuff just keeps happening. i heard this song on my drive home today and it describes what i'm feeling/thinking almost exactly.

David Gray
My oh My...

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

i havent slept in days. my stomach is in constant turmoil. and i sigh nearly every two minutes or so - perhaps a reminder to breathe. i am ANXIOUSLY awaiting blood test results. i feel like the remainder of my life is hanging on a thread. not a serious one, but what comes from these results will affect me. now if the doctors would only call...
i've decided that it is foolish to have notions about people. these past few days have shown me that even that person you thought was the kindest soul can prove himself to be malicious. and the cynic is merely hinding a gentle spirit. and for me, i am the biggest fool out there. such a wonderful self realization to reach.
last night, while i was NOT sleeping, i came to the conclusion that i HATE this time of year. may 21-june 7(give or take a day or two). these few weeks have held nothing but heartbreaking times for me for the past 3 years. what on earth is going on...?

enough excuses

so i just read over that blog i posted, to make sure i didn't make any huge mistakes...and felt entirely convicted. not about mistakes :), just about what i had written. although it's all true, and perhaps relevant to explain my busy life...it's not what's going on. it made me realize that perhaps i've been drowning myself in busyness as an excuse to avoid the things that are REALLY going on.
i want to write because it's always been a release for me. i mean, i think that's why i originally decided to write screenplays. most of what i would write in my stories were just that: my stories. writing them down seemed a bit of a way to get it all out. so why did i just give the world a play by play that is practically worthless of the time it took to type out? ugh. i had to explain to a friend recently why i don't cry in front of people. my reason is that it shows weakness, and i'm sick of appearing weak. to which she replied "that's right, you're a tough ol' bird." ;). yes she was mocking me. although you cannot see tears through a blog, here it comes...weakness city.
i'm devasted. my best friend is moving out of the country for two years and i dont know how to handle it. (dont worry, she knows that i'm struggling, this blog is not going to be news to her). she's been the constant good in my life for several years, and the thought of not having her scares me. at a friend's suggestion to really "mourn the loss" of her come feb 2010, i almost died. there have been too many people in my life that have hurt me and caused me pain - that i have cried over. she's been the joy, i never want to be hurt over her. unfortunately (and apparently) i already am.
i'm lost. there is no path i am following, no guided direction. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. that sounds very pessimistic and i apologize. but there it is. ashamedly i admit that this evening i watched (by myself)...high school musical 3: senior year. jest all you want, i love it. there's a musical number in which troy bolton (zac efron's character) is frustratingly singing about wanting his own dream. i can relate. sometimes i begin to wonder what MY dream in life actually is. i find myself clinging to this idea of wife/mom, but is that just something that i fell into because i'm female? at one point, leanna was going to travel the oceans and study marine life and behavior. years later, she was going to teach literature to high school or college students. and then came jesus and church, and their guidance to jump into jr high and camp ministry. but what about those years dreaming of writing/directing films? and now...i don't know. and every day that i wake up "not knowing" is seemingly a pure waste of a day.
i'm broken. amidst all that busy stuff i was doing, i forgot to mention the several trips to urgent care. my muscles are giving up on me...and physical weakness seems to be a daily occurrence. other stuff is going wrong, but nothing i publicly want to talk about. thank goodness i have health insurance now...but i feel like my body doesn't know it's only 28(this statement is stolen from a friend who is constantly asking me "you do know you're only 28 right?").
i'm lonely. what's new? i mean, if you know me, you know i'm a hopeless romantic. but on the serious side, i want to be sharing what little bit of life i have WITH someone. it's not like i go to sleep dreaming of being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor - i think i passed that phase of life several years ago when i realized, much to my dismay, that i do NOT live in medieval england :). but i do think about having companionship, intentional companionship. someone to experience life's little happenings with, joys and hardships, challenges and blessings. and i wont lie :), a kiss or cuddle or dance here and there wouldn't be too awful either.
okay i'm tired. perhaps i will do my best to make the next blog about the happy emotions i am feeling :). but for now, you get the weakness.

the happenings...

Oh dearest Blog, how sorry I am to have forgotten you for so long...but I have a valid reason...I've been BUSY. So for all 3 of my followers, I will give the condensed version of the last month (and I apologize to the 2 of you who have actually lived these things with me:)).
Let's see...the weekend of April 25-26th was a busy one! On saturday, I assisted in moving the Q's to their new place. We were successful in convincing PQ to get a uhaul, and the day went off without a hitch. Then on Sunday, I went to DISNEYLAND! My friend Dawn was getting ready to depart for Omaha for a few months, so her, my friend Ryan and myself decided to spend a day of fun at the happiest place on earth. What a fun day, filled with silly dares (never accomplished), amazing trivia, hillbillies ("jedi force push"), disney duets, giant turkey legs and more. And to top it all off, the FIREWORKS! Oh, just thinking about it makes me want to go back...
A few weeks later, I had the opportunity to attend a S.H.A.P.E. seminar at the church, which was just phenomenal. Talk about insight. This was the second time I've participated in such a thing, so was not THAT surprised at the things I learned about myself and my niche in the Kingdom. I have to say though, taking this with my best friend AQ put a lot into perspective. It's a whole different experience when someone else tells you what you should be doing with your life :) haha. The outcome? I'm thinking that God wants me to do camp FOR youth workers! Haha, so strange. But seriously, those silly and crazy youth workers are doing amazing things in the Kingdom, and they deserve a camp all their own. Now, how to go about doing that, I am uncertain. But it's not me. It's all Him. I will keep you posted. Later that night, I ventured out to Canes Bar and grill to witness a fantastic band called "Tainted Love". They are an 80's tribute band that has changed my world. Haha. So much fun with the Lanes and Nick, enjoying the tunes of my childhood! The next day was mother's day, and my brother and I took grama to the Zoo for lunch and some animal kingdom fun. Hands down, most amazing meal I've had in quite some time. You think I'm joking. For starters: Blue Cheese and Artichoke Bisque. Then spinach ravioli with amazing sun dried tomato cream sauce. Ok, I need to stop thinking about food.
Just a few short days later, I ventured to Hurkey Creek for a camping trip with a bunch of the GVC family. I'd love to tell you all about it, but I mentioned this was a condensed version of the last month. If you want to read more details, see Ryan's blog "life in this lane" (linked on my page). It was an incredible weekend of nature, family, relaxation, worship and fun. When sunday morning came, I did not want to leave the place, and was glad to know that I wasn't the only one feeling attachment to the weekend away. A great time with amazing friends, no doubt.
Three days later, I went and saw my favorite movie of the year so far. Star Trek. If you haven't seen it, you must. Because I am mentioning this small fraction of my month in my blog, you know it's worth it.
Two days after that, Ryan Lauren and myself ventured down to City Heights to have dinner with a few "cohorts" in this intentional living community business (see previous blog, and of course, more to come about that). It was a great evening meeting some great people and having good conversation over an entirely vegetarian and homegrown meal(yes i know, LEANNA ate a whole meal of vegetables...). Insight was gained, and I'm so glad for it. The next morning, AQ and I took off for Redlands to have a mini-reunion with a few "girls of the loft" (a.k.a. Creekside Summer Staff '06). The day was amazing! Talk about family. The minute we were in each other's presence it felt a little like home :). We just spent time together in downtown Redlands, having some Chai at Augie's Coffee, hitting up the used book sale in the park, venturing to Hobo's Vintage Wear for some great buys, wandering through the Redland's Galleria of antiques, fro yo at Ohana's, and then finally ending up at Gourmet Pizza for a fabulous dinner with 3/4 of the Rice family :). I miss the day already, and the people even more. It was the confirmation of family and community that I'm now striving for here in north county. That it does exist, and it's wonderful. Monday was memorial day, and I threw together an impromptu burger bbq for the home group friends. Such a fun and random time together. Another example of that community. Hmm...a theme in my life? I think so.
So there it is. I want to try to post a picture on here :) since discovering how to do it. Here they are, a few of the "girls of the loft", that I love ever so dearly.
OH. It posted to the top of the blog. Oh well, it's there, I think.

the latest

so here it is, what's been on my heart and flowing through my mind for the past few days. i'm feeling that if i don't explore it more and write it out, i will definitely explode :). i'm not being "cautiously excited" with this one! haha. that was for alli. anyways...

a friend and i have been tossing around the idea of starting up an intentional living community. since getting back to san diego, and joining the amazing congregation at green valley church...i've been immensely blessed by people. it truly is an authentic community of christ followers that are doing just that...striving each day to follow Him as Lord of everything in their lives. so incredible. in january i joined up with a pre-existing home group of "20-30 somethings", and was immediately accepted as part of the family. the best part was, i don't feel as if it were forced because that's what we're supposed to do as christians, but that those people genuinely welcomed me into their lives...and i did the same. so its only natural that a few of us would consider taking a step further, and living life together in the fullness of the statement.

if we want to truly embrace what it meant to be disciples of christ, i think it's pertinent to follow the examples of those original men and women who walked with him in the flesh. we see ordinary people being called out, and abandoning their own lives...what was important to them...to answer the greatest purpose they would ever find. from there, they spent life together. every aspect was not only with God, but with each other. and thats what we want. we want to take the spiritual experiences...past present and future, and share them fully with one another. thus this crazy idea to move 6-10 of us into one home and begin a journey that holds wonders i'm sure we can't even imagine yet.

that's that. we've only taken a tiny baby step in even considering this pursuit, but my heart is telling me it's going to be a wonderful ride.

i'm way excited about it all, to be perfectly honest. i know that as humans we're not meant to be alone, and the prospect of finally being with people...growing through life with them - i can't help but smile. last night after a brainstorming session, i could barely sleep...thoughts, ideas and hopes we're flying through my brain! it was crazy. and even today as i went about my day in a normal monday fashion, i couldn't help but imagine what it would be like knowing that i had a home with a loving family waiting for me when i leave work. and as i emptied the dishwasher i had excited chills as i realized that living together would encompass a servitude towards one another and our community that perhaps i've never experienced first hand. i do know that this whole endeavor will carry with it some obstacles and hardships. but what would life be without them? i started this blog because of lyrics i heard once, that said:

we break and we bend...
but we turn it inside out
to take it back - to the start...
and through the rise and falling apart,
we discover who we are.

done...and done. :D.

so, if you're so inclined to perhaps add your thoughts, join with us here in so-cal for this endeavor, or just simply lift it up to the Father in prayer...all are gladly accepted :).

Jacuzzi of Emotions

haha, that's what i feel like. i guess a more common way to put it is "a whirlpool of emotions", but jacuzzi is more like it. if you think of a jacuzzi, you realize it's something that is frequented by many different kinds...some that sit and stay for a while, others that just come in for a quick dip. and in that jacuzzi, sometimes the water gets hotter and hotter...causing either a soothing feeling, or discomfort.
anyways, perhaps i'm being too cryptic. so here it is, plain and simple. if you know me, you know there is always *something* going on. i just cant escape it. so here's ONE of the situations i'm dealing with at this moment. i suppose i'm writing about it because i don't know how to talk about it. i don't really have anyONE to talk to, but i just want someone to know.(haha, if anyone really ever reads this anyways!). this weekend, the man that i almost married is marrying someone else. it's not that i'm jealous, or heart broken...because i fully realize that him and i were not meant to be together. but just a short year and a half ago, things were serious, and we were planning a life together...it's hard to get a grasp that his forever is now different. and mine...well mine is still up in the air.
maybe that's what hurts the most. he's found someone, watching all of his dreams come true...and i'm still left here alone, wondering if this is my lot for the rest of my days here on earth. i mean, we're never promised that true romantic love of a lifetime, or guaranteed someone will commit themselves to us and slide a ring on our finger. having children is not a for certain, but a blessing above and beyond the norm. yet all my life, i've just assumed. haha, for most of my childhood i even assumed there was a "leanna jean wedding fund" that my parents contributed to on a constant basis :). i had a rude awakening when that dream was shattered!
all that to say, this is the kind of emotion that does both of the above mentioned things. it comes in for a quick dip, and leaves. most of the time. but sometimes it stays and festers...and unfortunately i know it will always be there. if you've read previous blogs, you'd know what this person was to me...not just a future husband, but someone who's involvement in my life changed me forever. he and our relationship will continue to be a frequent visitor to my jacuzzi of emotions...and i hate that. i wish i could approach this weekend as any other...instead it is welcomed with disappointment and tears.
there it is. if you see me this weekend, i might not want to talk about it. i just wanted someone to know...in case i'm distant, or trying to be overly happy :). THIS is what is really going on.

and i'm feeling...goooodddd...

"Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good..."

it's true. i'm doing alright. for the first time in a long time, circumstances in my life are okay. struggles haven't completely left, but i feel a sense of fresh air. in many areas. financially, emotionally, mentally, socially...

unfortunately, this is coming at a time when others are not so okay. i was talking to my dad on the phone last night and mentioned that i felt bad about my good fortune. for example: i had my review at work, and it went very well, got a raise. called my parents to tell them the good news, and after i was done, my mom revealed that my dad had lost his job and their store that they run was not doing so well. i felt awful. but my dad told me to not diminish my joy in this season. he knows a bit of what i've been through the past years, and said i needed a break in the storm to allow some sunshine :). okay, so he didn't say those words...i just made him a little more poetic in his meaning :)! i think what he said was more along the lines of "dont feel bad. we're old, we've had our good days. and now we're just getting ready to die."

HAHA. i know that sounds awful. but in the context of his 52nd birthday being that day...it was hilarious :).

but i just wanted to say this. to all of the people in my life facing trials of many kinds, you have a friend. i apologize in advance if i present a perma-grin to you...but know that yours is coming in due time. i've been through a refining fire in any way imaginable, and always have ears open to listen - as many of yours have been there for me in the past.

so keep on keepin' on my loves.

how PRIMARY is scripture?

so this winter i am participating in a class at my church, going through the book of Acts. its nice to finally have a solid reason to look forward to mondays :). not even joking when i say its one of the top three highlights of the week (the other two being home groups on thursday night, and well...saturday mornings when i dont have to set my alarm clock and wake up to go to work!).

last night we went over the passage in Acts 16-18, following Paul on his second missionary journey. at first we find him in thessolonica, where the jews cause a "riot" and throw him out. next Paul travels to berea, where he finds the bereans to be of "more noble character(than the thessalonians), testing the scriptures daily to see if what Paul said was true." (woohoo, go bereans. for those of you just tuning into my life, i attended a few years at Berean Bible College, in which our mission was to immitate the styles of those early bereans :)). the scriptures were definitely primary in the life of the bereans. some jews, some philosophical greeks...the bereans were great thinkers and that obviously was something that stood out to the writer of Acts.

our teacher challenged us with a question: how primary is scripture in your life? it was honest and valid, plain and simple. did we consider scripture first? or perhaps (like the wesleyean thought) we filtered our spiritual life through four areas: scripture, experience, tradition and thought. as is often the case, i wanted to have the right answer at that moment. but i was quite at a loss for my own answer.

being a christ follower for 12 years now, and being a minister of the Word for most of that time, scripture has definitely played a major role. but is it primary? truth be told, perhaps i agree more with wesley, and allow all four to work. my experiences that i've had with God and His Spirit have hugely (and will continue to do so) molded me into the being you know this very day. i cannot deny that. the traditions and histories that have been passed down through generations may evolve and adapt, but ultimately define what we, as a race of believers, come from. who would want to give less honor to that? and truth has been revealed throughout the ages, through great thinkers using the very gifts given them to reason. i see that all of the time.

i learned once (at berean bible college, go figure!), something about the revelation of truth. we have the privelage of standing at a place in history where we can look back far enough to see the process of the revelation of truth. God's ultimate truth, in all of it's facets, is entirely too much for the human mind, heart and soul to comprehend all at once. so throughout time, we see the revelation of that truth being dispersed. not only into different generations, but to different cultures, genders, and most importantly, through different tactics. in OT times, truth was given to generations of slaves and kings, through law and word, but also through spirit and experience. as time progressed, tradition played a key role in the revelation of God's truth...both in the thriving age of the roman catholic church, and also in it's regression. the greeks brought us into maybe our first "age of enlightenment" as humans, and more was discovered. and in that time, God showed more of His truth by pouring out His Spirit on all men and women who believed. from then on, there are so many more incidences where we know of God's involvement in the growth of His people. Martin Luther & King Henry VIII, brought the Church into new existence. More truth was revealed in the Great Awakenings, which started in England and then moved across the sea into a new world. A missional mindset was re-ignited as believers in different "denominations" began to seek truth for themselves. even now, we see the church "emerging" into something new, discovering new ways to live a christ centered life and being moved towards more truth.

whew. all that to say, God does what He wants, when He wants, to whom He wants, in the way He deems appropriate. We are His. at the disposal of His hands. and although i admire the bereans for their devotion to scripture, making it primary in their lives, i have to believe that the Lord would ask us to have openness to all of the above mentioned "filters". He's given each to us. why not take full advantage, and use them to their fullest ability?